"What are you made up of Raj? What are you made up of?” I ask this question to myself, every time you come to my mind.
We were in a relationship for not more than seven months and in that period, I cheated on you twice.
That guilt just never leaves me. And yet, you never had any grudge against me, not even once.
We first met in the year 2008 where we were working in the same organisation. You had joined a month before me and yet everyone would appreciate my work more. This is why you hated me and often used to have disputes with me.
Nevertheless, you never left your manliness. I remember once how in a company party someone had mixed alcohol in my drink and you came to rescue me.
You exchanged my glass with the normal drink. Thank you, Raj. Thank you for saving me that day.
Our life got separated when I left for higher studies and you went to join another organization. But our boss made sure that we stayed connected. He would often call us at the same time and with time, it got reduced.
We were connected on Facebook just for the namesake and never talked, spoke, or messaged. In the year 2012, some family situation made me work again. There was a vacancy in my organisation and we were looking for a candidate. Just then, my ex-boss called and he connected me to you again. I came to know that you were looking for a job and I asked you to join. God knows what I was really thinking.
I knew we always fought and never understood each other.
Next day, you came for the interview. You got selected and wanted to meet me. I mentioned you my floor number and cabin. As I came out to greet you, I can still remember your eyes then.
My God, I still cannot forget the way you looked at me.
Instantly, an alert button was switched on, in my mind. Your behaviour changed towards me. But I am sorry Raj, I was in an open relationship by then. I never told you because I know it's hard to understand. But even then, I fell for you and accepted your proposal. But I could not break up with my open relation. He was my need to my desire.
I felt guilty about it and one day, I confessed everything to you.
You didn’t speak to me for one whole day and I kept calling and messaging you. You didn’t respond so that I thought I had lost you. But no, you came back the next day.
You said, “I’ve forgotten whatever you said it to me.” Raj, what are you made of?
That easily you forgave me for cheating on you. How can someone pour in so much of love? My respect for you increased.
It was our sixth month anniversary, and you gave me a surprise visit. You brought me my favourite chocolate and the decoration of the home was adorable. I can never forget it. You made me feel like a real queen and we made out the whole night.
Next day morning, you asked me what I had bought for you and I was so scared to tell you Raj. I loved you so much. I said, “Please, give me some time” and went to take shower. You came inside and kissed on my neck. You turned me around and took my face inside your palm to kiss on my lips.
That is when I said you, "Raj, my parents have fixed my alliance."
Even though the water was pouring down our head, I could see tears rolling down on your cheek. You quietly went out and I was still inside fearing to the core to face you. I came out after a while. I could read all those questions gushing inside your mind.
I said, “I am sorry, Raj.” And you asked me if I had said them no. I was silent and had my face down. You screamed so loud, “Answer me” that I got scared.
I asked you to calm down and listen to me.
This is what I said to you then, “Raj, I love you to the core of my heart. Truth is I love my parents too. My father would have accepted you regardless of your financial status. My mother would have not. She is my mother and she has seen life. She has struggled all through her life with insufficient bank account balance, begging people to help them so that they can make us stand on our leg. I didn't want her nightmare to come true. I cannot put her in a dilemma where she has to worry about me again for her remaining life.”
You understood. I thought you would stamp out, but instead you just stood up, came to me and kissed me so passionately.
You just had one request from me then, to give my next two days to you. You wanted to live our entire life in those two days. I accepted it because that’s what I wanted it too. We made love and lived like a couple. Those four days were the best day of my life.
Today, I do love my husband but not as much as I loved you.
I am so sorry, Raj. I went weak on my feet. I feel so guilty for what I did to you. Not once but twice in seven months of our relationship. Yes, we didn’t break up until my engagement. After that, you just disappeared.
Raj, I still see you on my Facebook. Please come back.
Don’t suffer because of me. You are a man which every woman dreams about. Take a chance, give it a try. Please for me, I beg you.
I don't want to feel guilty for the rest of my life. A part of me still loves you and wants you to stay happy.