To My Dear Best Friend: I Swear I'm Trying To Forget You But I Feel Helpless

Tanuj Gyan Tanuj Gyan in Life Is Tough on 20 May, 2017

My Dear Best Friend,

Life has changed a lot, things are no longer the same as they used to be. I've changed a lot but this feeling of missing you is something I am not able to change. Remember the night when I called you and I knew that this is a fight I will never be able to win and I asked you if I could you and you said, "yeah once in a while" and the next question was "what if I miss you" and your answer was, "try not to miss".

I didn't get a chance to ask you -- what if you missed me, probably you never will because you made the decision to go away. You had a platform, you had a reason, you had everything but I didn't have anything, neither that day nor today.

I don't lie to you, I don't manipulate things and trust me, I am not lying when I say I tried not to miss you. Every single day I try not to miss you but I do. Every single day I tell myself -- today I will not think about you -- but I am incapable. Every day I push myself off the edge but I come back again, as if it is some eternal part of my memory that I can't get away from.

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Every day I cry when I am alone and despite being surrounded with so many people, it all looks meaningless. I am not sure what you made me or if I was always this but you just made me realize who I really am.

You know I try new tricks to hate you, to hate myself but I am not able to do that. Some days I assume the role of a bad boy and I explain to myself that you were nothing but a prop for me and I used you and then I threw you away and now I can concentrate on someone else, may be get a new girl.

I will put that wicked smile on my face and light a cigarette and laugh inside my mind thinking how good a player I am. But the next second I know I am lying to myself and all the wickedness and everything disappears. How much will I lie to myself I don't know. I try. Then there are days where I consider you as a villain and assume the role of a victim and make myself believe that you used me and then threw me away when you didn't need me anymore.

But that is as big a lie as the first one. Unfortunately, none of us were villains. Just two people connected by something called 'human emotions'.
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I hate emotions, you remember that book I gave you - "Never Kiss your best Friend". I hate that book more than ever but I still read it. It makes me feel close to you. The watch on numerous occasions I wanted to abandon it but I still wear it. I am trying like hell but it feels so incomplete without you. You remember the t-shirt you gave me. It looks so beautiful on me but I don't wear it, I am waiting for the day we meet to resolve our differences. I will wear it that day. Every single day I touch that tee thinking that today is the day when I will finally put you on.

It has been a year but nothing has changed for me. Materially, the world around me has changed but from the inside that hollowness you left still exists. I don't know if the void will ever be filled but patience is my virtue here.

A lot said, I should not say these things because I don't even know if you care but again somehow I still believe you do. When they say "Beliefs can kill you" they are right.

Hope to see you again!

Yours truly Xx