This Is What It Feels Like To Be Addicted To A Person

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 15 June, 2017

I still wonder how I was a completely different person with lots of patience just for someone who recently came into my life, but that person changed my entire life.

I don't blame him, I am here today because of myself; because I loved him more than my family. I was that one girl who was very stubborn and tough, used to never listen to anybody.

I used to love my friends and cousins, they were my life. But all of a sudden a friend whom I met just few months ago became my world. Every day started and ended with him, even when he was just my friend. I don’t know when I fell in love with him, he gave me all the love that my parents didn't have time for.

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He used to understand every stupid thing I did. I loved taking care of him and scold him when he did anything silly. I always wanted to support him even if that meant changing myself.

Slowly things started changing from his side; we wanted to know what we felt, we both kind of knew it won’t work out but we still met each other. That day was the most beautiful day of my life, I can never forget the moment I hugged him for the first time. I felt like he will be with me no matter what. 

At the end of the day he told me he felt like I was his better half. After that day we were never friends again; we may think we were friends but we both knew that we were more than friends.

Months passed by and things started changing; he would suddenly disappear without telling me and I used to just get worried about him but he never cared. I got so sick of thinking about all of this that I had to be hospitalized. When we spoke after 15 days he told me that he loved me for the first time. 

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We used to meet everyday; we were officially in a relationship with each other. I never asked him to change himself and he never asked me to change either, that was the best part about our relationship.

But very soon things changed again; he decided to disappear without letting me know. It killed me to think about the reason. Suddenly out of nowhere he texted me and asked me to meet. He told me he only wants to be friends with me and like a fool, I agreed.

From that moment onwards, I was his friend when he wanted me to be his friend and his girlfriend whenever he wanted me to have that label. 

I was so stressed all the time that I messed up everything else in my life. I sold my gold to get him out of issues I didn’t even know fully about. I just always wanted to be there for him even though he was using me.

Years passed and I still wished we could become ‘normal’. I heard rumours about him being with another girl. I didn’t believe the rumors until he chose her over me. That was the day I decided to move on. 

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It was then that I realized that I was addicted to him. Even though I found out terrible things about him, it didn’t matter to me.

We used to text each other when we were drunk or till my brother told me how he will cease to be my brother if I continued talking to this guy.

Years passed, I became a strong person but he was still my weakness and strength, I could never stop valuing him. My parents wanted me to get married and settle down but I wanted something else from my life.

Here I am after 3 years of officially ending everything we had. I am unable to get into a relationship because of the scars he has left behind. I am scared to express myself and to get attached to anyone. I am an expert now; I can handle myself without even thinking about him. But I am still not able to move on just because of the unanswered questions. I wish I could find out if he ever loved me.

I don't hate him for what he did to me, I hate myself for making him such an important part of my life that I couldn't hate him even after all that happened. I can say that he was and will be my soulmate.

I will always thank him for making me the person that I am today, a person who can smile no matter what.