This Is How Depression Feels, I Swear

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 5 June, 2017

Shy, introvert, boring, Miss. Attitude, and what not! I have been called by these names for years. I knew something was wrong with me, I could feel it, but what? I kept asking this question to myself every time I was into my blissful solitude (as I thought it to be). 

Why do I always face problems with processing my emotions or the way I express them? Is it my low self confidence or is it something else? I fell into a trap and I knew, I need to cut it off, but what is this trap? I would feel uncomfortable in a group of people thinking that everyone around me is judging me for everything I say or do, the way I eat, sit, talk, walk- everything is being observed by them to mock at me. I would spent hours thinking about my weight and how helpless I feel about my goals in life or even question myself for having one.

I wanted friends in my life, a lot of them actually, but it took a lot of effort for me to maintain those friendships. I used to cry hugging my pillow for hours, and pretended to be absolutely fine the next moment. I could not say a word to anyone even when I was shouting out loud inside.
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On some days I would avoid as many chances of socializing and people thought I was shy or introverted, when on other days I used to find chances to meet people and talk more than usual to help my anxiousness. I would compare my potential with others and thus not making many friends out of jealousy. And they thought I had an attitude problem.

I was lost! I was feeling something that I could not explain to anyone. Every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I thought of what I really am. An introvert? Or someone with an attitude, perhaps an extrovert? Was I someone who enjoys solitude, or do I want a lot of people around me? Or no one at all. I felt empty, without a goal, hopeless for days that turned into years.

I felt nobody loved me because no one can really understand what I am going through, and that I need help. But how can someone else help when I myself don’t know what my problem is? And then I would console my confusions thinking that everyone in my age thinks this way, even those perfect looking girls with handsome salaries walking with their crowns high.

They just don’t have the courage to admit it, but my friend it’s 'DEPRESSION' which came as a surprise, held my hand and took me to into its darkness without me even realizing it. I could only understand after I lost out on a lot of things in life.

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I was scared to trust people, I kept secrets, on some days, I laugh more than normal, and on others I cry helplessly. I doubt everything around me including myself, I have that anxiety every time I think of myself, I feel that negativity of something harmful happening around me all the time.

Depression needs no cause. It acts like your best friend, comforting you in your own company, making you allergic to everything around you. It never knocks on your door before entering but it does makes you feel its presence once it is there, so please make no delay in seeking help, thinking people might judge you or may not understand what you're going through before it gets you completely.

Editor's Note:

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