I want to leave him right there, where I had met him for the first time – him, his memories, his smile, his eyes, his touch, his voice, everything. I wish I had never met him. I wish that day hadn’t happened at all. I knew what I was getting into, I knew who he was. He is 11 years elder to me with a whole bunch of baggage and responsibilities. I knew who I was, someone who hadn’t dared to fall in love for the last 5 years, someone who had taken 3 years to recover from her last relationship. It’s been 2 days since I haven’t spoken to him, he understands why, I think.

He has stayed away too, or he may be with his family, he does not seem even remotely concerned about me.

I’ve looked for him everywhere, I scanned all the messenger apps and social media for him, just to feel his presence. He isn’t available anywhere and I miss him. He hasn’t pinged me all day, he knows that I am bedridden, unwell and yet he doesn’t want to know where I am and how I am. Does that hurt? It goes beyond hurt. And no I am not numb yet. I can still feel things. I’ve drowned myself in work, that’s what I do best, it is my coping mechanism.

But every once in a while, I suddenly hear his voice in my head or I find myself wishing I could see him, feel him or at least hear him. I am trying my best to focus but he seems to have taken over my mind, soul and whatever is left of my sanity.

Every so often, I find my thoughts going back to him and I find my eyes getting moist and clouding up. I’ve lost a piece of me today. I didn’t push him away but he chose to make me push him away. I couldn’t be his priority even though he wished he could make me his priority. He couldn’t and would never be able to be there with me and for me – not on my birthday, not during my hospital stays.

I am scared now, scared of people. I don’t want to go out, see anyone because I don’t have the capacity to bear pain any more. I can’t face the world.

I don’t have anything left in me, to give. I feel like I’ve lost whatever I had. All my happiness has gone with him. All I have is an intense sharp pain. My existence hurts. What do I do? How do I go on? Why should I go on? Whatever is left of my sanity tells me that this is not the end of the world, but on the other hand, it is the end of the world I want to be in. I don’t want anyone or anything, anymore.

It’s too painful to feel happy. If happiness comes with such a heavy price, I don’t want happiness. I don’t want it.

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