As a 42-year-old single working woman, I am apparently everything a person desires or aspires to be - independent, charming, confident, bold, ready to take on the world, etc.
But I chose to fall in love and that, my friends, was the beginning of my end.
My first horrible, nightmare-inducing relationship lasted for seven years. One fine day I finally mustered enough courage to call it quits. He had chased me for six whole months to accept his proposal with the assurance that my 'yes' would mean everything to him in this world. After I accepted his proposal, things started changing and he harassed me mentally in every possible way.
I have always been a woman with a dynamic personality but over time, my self-confidence was ruthlessly murdered. I had lost the confidence required to even make a cup of tea.
After seven years of our breakup, someone else entered my life. I had known this person earlier but we only shared a professional relationship. He was seventeen years older than me, a married man with children. Once again, I was made to believe that he loved me. I did not ask him for any commitment like marriage. All I wanted was to be loved and cared for. I did not need his money, power or influence. We were very happy together but things started changing and slowly our rapport began fading away. We would hardly get to meet each other. I tried to discuss this with him to fix things but according to him, there was no problem. He claimed that everything is meant to undergo change at some point and this does not mean that he does not love me anymore. My heart was telling me a different story. I could tell in my gut that something was not right. I fell back into my own uninhabited world once again.
They couldn’t have hurt me the way I had allowed them to hurt me twice. If I hadn’t chosen to put my faith and trust in people whom I thought had loved me, I wouldn’t be heartbroken today.
I did not have any motivation left in me whatsoever. Why had they walked into my otherwise blissful life filled with solitude when they had no intention of loving me? Today, I appear as a successful woman to the world. I manage to go to work every day and interact with people with a broad smile on my face. However, deep down, I have suicidal thoughts daily. I wish to die. Whenever I drive, I hope that I meet with an accident. When I am at home, I feel like taking sleeping pills.
The inside of my brain is a dark place, constantly filled with morbid thoughts that I cannot seem to get out of my system.
I am still in love with him and have committed myself to him. He too has not broken up with me yet but I see the dark clouds gathering around us. Once bitten, twice shy. I’ve been bitten twice, so what’s next now?