Thanks A Lot: You Taught Me How To Hate Myself For Loving You

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 28 February, 2018

My heart still beats for her but I wish it had stopped.

Those were the days when I wanted to get married. My family even started to look for the right matches. Many showed disinterest and were reluctant to get married to me. I have a visual impairment and moreover, I didn’t like the idea that someone else has to suffer for my problems, so I used to resist myself.

But then, something happened. A girl, let’s call her Siya, entered into my life and everything changed.
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She contacted me through Facebook. It was an unusual thing, that’s why I assumed her to be one of my friends who might be kidding around. To my surprise, I was wrong.

I came to know that she got my details from a mutual friend of ours and she was also looking to get married. She liked my profile and that’s how it started.

We both met, and I clearly revealed about my low vision and financial status to her. She showed strong interest and we liked each other very much. We used to meet and talk regularly and gradually it turned into a bond of strong love. She introduced me to her parents but they couldn’t accept me because of my disability, financial status – I wasn’t the rich guy and many such other reasons.

I do not blame them. They were right to be concerned about their daughter. It just made me laugh at my own fate and I thought it would be best for her if we stayed apart for a while. I even tried to convince her that we would go ahead only with her parent’s consent.

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But she threatened me with tears and two suicide attempts. I informed her father about those incidents but he chose to ignore.

No matter how hard I tried to keep her away, she always bulldozed her way into my life and continued it further for almost 2 years. Somehow this gave me hope and I fell for her even more. This made me believe that she was mine and would never leave my side.

In the last few months of my 2 years relationship, she suddenly vacated her hostel in Hyderabad and flew down to her hometown in Vijayawada. She said she needed to prepare for her exams. But after few days, I saw a new version of her. She suddenly started insisting me to get married to someone else as her parents would never agree with us.

She even tricked me into saying her that I wanted her to get married first. Although I was pretty sure that she would never do that and but she went out to meet new likeable matches. Sometimes she informed, and sometimes she didn’t care.

Even then, she continued to play with my emotions. While continuing to meet other possible matches, she would still pretend that she loves me and demanded gifts, time, and attention from me. And then one day, just like that she told me she is getting engaged.
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Being disabled, I already had the inferiority feeling and thus, I concluded that I don’t deserve any love. With a heavy crying heart, I told her that it’s her life choice and it can’t be undone again. I asked her to think twice before rushing into any decision. I told her how much I love her and I can’t imagine my life without her.

It has been a year now since she decided to betray me. It wasn’t just emotionally, but she even robbed me financially with the amount counting to almost four lacs. I have sponsored her hostel fees, education, gifts, and made sure to take care of all her needs with my hard earned money. And now she has given birth to a baby boy.

I hate myself for still loving her. My heart aches and it still makes me cry. I have now lost interest in marriage, my profession and even in life. I am just dragging it to death.

It’s not easy, especially for someone who is disabled like me. We don’t want to live, but we strive to live only to make our family and friends happy. We are a sensitive soul; we tend to attribute every issue in our lives with our disability.

As in my case, it made me lose my confidence and courage. I pray every day that my heart stops beating which still feels for her.

I hate my heart and I hate myself even more.

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Best,
Helios (She used to call me that)

 

Editor's Note:

Nobody is disabled, it's all about one's own acceptance. Don't let one girl change the meaning of life for you. Share this story if you know what it's like to be heartbroken and why something like this should never happen to anybody again.