She Didn't Believe That I Would Marry Her Just Because I Took It Slow

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 20 June, 2018

"Men 31 and his issues with Bharat Matrimony"

Thanks to our patriarchal setup of the society when our grandparents never cared about their daughter's education in general, and our parents worried more about son’s education rather than their daughters.

We have a highly skewed ratio of men to women, be it in graduation or workplace.
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The most eligible ones will have numerous men chasing them and eventually, she will get engaged to one of them. And the remaining women come to matrimony sites. Well, there are few from the most eligible category in the matrimonial sites – those are the ones who faced a serious break-up in their late 20s and have their trust completely shaken on relationship/marriage. Probably they are here due to their parent's yelling - "Onek hoyeche, ebar amra chele dekhchi" (It's enough, now we will find a husband for you). So for obvious reason, there are more potential grooms in the matrimonial sites than potential brides.

On the top of it, it's ok for a non-earning bride to seek an alliance with an earning groom but the opposite isn't.

There are some issues which are common to both genders like being mangalik or cast issues. I will list down the ones specific to men:

  1. It's wrong to assume that looks and physicality don't matter. Unless you have a superb job or a premium college on the resume, bald head or a pouch will hurt you. You are a sexist if you do the same.
  2. You can't ask if she can cook. "Do you want a wife or housemaid?" Don't even talk about her job – "Do you expect the wife to support you financially?" But the opposite is a routine question for men.
  3. Often a working woman would ask you, "Is it mandatory for me to work after marriage?" Hello, how is that even a question? Of course, minus the childbirth time. And if we ask the same question, we all know the consequences of it.
  4. Many women expect marriage to be an event where a prince charming would adopt them and will ensure her a better life. But the opposite is unthinkable.
  5. Parents, often they put this request - "My daughter is a little shy, you have to take initiative to talk to her." So I need to talk, be funny, make her laugh so that she can make a choice.
  6. Some of them are super-fast. From the day 1, they would add you on Facebook and tell you that her brother liked me. Whereas, some of them are extremely slow. They want the commitment even before meeting as they have some serious trust issue. But if you are fast, you are an asshole. And if you are taking some time to think, you are not serious about marriage and just fooling around.
  7. Are your parents or siblings financially dependent on you? No prize for guessing why they need to know this.
  8. Women are like, "I am what I am." You can't tell her that it's not ok to ask the service person in a restaurant to click 30 pictures for you. You will be branded as ‘judgmental.’ If we do the same, we get the label of being stubborn.
  9. Super-protective parents: Even if they both live in the same city, you will have to plan a visit to Kolkata when their daughter is travelling. So that you can meet her in their presence.
  10. Opportunist feminist: Equality kicks in when it comes to the household works. It goes out of the window when it comes to sharing the expense of say a new apartment or the honeymoon trip. "Sob bondhu der husband honeymoon e niye geche” (For all my friends, their husbands have taken the entire expense for the honeymoon)
  11. Trying to look good is one thing. But thanks to the auto-filtered images, often you will meet a completely different woman in person.
  12. If she is on Tinder - "I was just checking the app", "My friend installed it for me once". If you are on Tinder, "Baba, lal bazar er Tapan kaku er number ta dao to ektu” (Father, please pass me the phone number of inspector Tapan).
Lastly, I don't mean to disappoint anyone with this write-up, this is my story and experiences.
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However, I would love to hear (via the comment box below) if you have had similar experiences or correct me if I am wrong. Having said that, nothing in this world comes for free or without an effort. Be serious about a match, talk it out and say “no" early if you feel so, that is important.

Good luck in soul-searching.
Editor's Note:

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