My Past Still Haunts Me But I Learnt What I Can And Live A Stronger Life

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 9 September, 2018

I was the topper in my class when I was in college. All my lecturers would always praise me for my results. But all this lasted only for a year. I met Abhi in the second year of my college.

He was not exactly handsome. But I liked slightly dark-skinned people with smiling faces. And Abhi was exactly like that.

We had been friends earlier. Even at that time I always thought of him as a person who had a childish mentality. He had proposed to me when we were friends. I had always liked him a lot but until that day I had no feelings for him. But a couple of days later I accepted his proposal.

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We went on our first date the next day. We went out for lunch together and I was feeling very happy when I returned home. We then started messaging and calling each other. I started feeling close to him now. I still remember his first kiss.

I felt as if I was his girl at that time.

Things were fine between us and we were happy with our relationship. His ex too belonged to our class. She now started feeling possessive about him and started messaging him. I knew that both of them exchanged a few messages with each other. It felt like hell but I didn't know what to do about it. But after a while, I realized that he was avoiding her. We became closer to each other because I truly loved him with my whole heart. 

He then wanted to take me out for movies whenever we went out for a date. I am a Christian so I had never watched movies before. But I started going out for movies with him because I wanted him to be happy. After a few days, he wanted me to have sex with him.

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I was not at all interested in such things. I wanted to gift him my virginity after we got married.

And we ended up having a huge fight for this. He would stop talking to me if I rejected his wishes. One day, we ended up arguing about the same issue again. He then told me that he would go out with another girl just to have sex with her. I was really very angry with him that day. So I said, “Do as you wish!”

That proved to be the biggest mistake of my life.

He then started going out with another girl called Dolly. He started chatting with her. I was not aware of all these things because I never checked his mobile. He continued to pester me about having sex with him. I continued to reject him because I was a God fearing person. I knew my parents would be bitterly disappointed if they came to know that I had sex before marriage. Abhi kept blackmailing me. He threatened to leave me and go out with another girl. Yet I rejected his ideas of having sex with me. He now started beating me. He harassed me for not falling in with his wishes. He would take me out to new areas and then leave me on unknown roads.

I bore all this quietly because I did not want to lose him. I loved him totally and really believed that no one could separate me from him.
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One day, the doorbell rang when my parents were out. When I opened the door, I found Abhi standing there. I became tense the minute I saw him. I asked him to come in. He then forced himself on me. I was not at all interested in having sex with him. But he started beating me. I couldn’t shout because I did not want my neighbours to know about all this. I knew I would feel ashamed of myself later on if they came to know about it.

He forcefully had sex with me though he knew that I was not willing to do such things before we got married. I then checked his mobile. I was shocked to see “I love you Dolly” messages in it. My dreams were shattered that day.

I knew he was being cruel to me. Yet I wanted to be with him till my last breath. I just wanted to be in one relationship in my entire lifetime.

I asked him about Dolly. I was crying at that time. But all he said was, “You were not interested in having sex with me. So I did what you told me and had sex with another girl.”

I knew that he too knew that I had never meant it when I had said, “Do as you wish” that day. Which girl would ask her boyfriend to sleep with another girl? I cried all through the day and night and asked him to stop going out with her. He promised me that he would leave her.

My parents then came to know that I was roaming around with a boy. They put me under house arrest and stopped sending me to college. Yet I managed to call Abhi secretly. I would give him updates about all that was happening to me at home. He would cry over the phone and tell me that he was unable to live without me. I somehow managed to pacify my parents and asked them to send me to college. I told them I did not want to go to college to meet Abhi. I wanted to go there to study. The day I started going back to college, Abhi came to receive me.

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I told him that I did not want to continue with our relationship because my parents were really worried about me. But he convinced me to be with him. So we became close again. But a few days later, I got to know that he was roaming around with another girl in the city. When I asked him about it he confessed that he was indeed going out with another girl.

He had broken my heart by breaking all the promises that he had made to me. Yet I was stupid enough to forgive him for all his mistakes again. I knew he had not changed at all.

I would think of him all through the day and night but I never ever thought of leaving him because I loved him. I knew what he was doing was wrong yet I loved him and thought I could change him.

All this went on for 4 years. He never changed and I never stopped loving him. I then came to know that he was deeply in love with the other girl too. I knew he was two-timing both of us. But I didn't know how to live without him. I was completely addicted to him. Then he started ignoring me.

It was at this time that I finally thought of getting out of his world. I wanted him to know that he was causing me a lot of pain.

I never told any of this to any of my friends. I cried and suffered alone. I knew he was going out with her but he would ask me to go out with him too.

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One day, when I could not deal with all this any longer, I just ran away from my house. When he came to know about it he tried to reach me. I told him that I would return to him only if he left her. I did reach home safely but instead of leaving the other girl he left me.

I tried reaching out to him. But he never picked my calls. I fell so sick that I couldn’t eat any food. I cried all through the day and night during this phase. I started exercising but I just couldn’t forget him.

His memories haunted me like hell.

I went through hell for one and a half years. I was placed in an MNC after this. Yet I couldn’t forget him. He continued to keep a tab on me. He kept checking whether I was dating another person. When he came to know that I had got a job, he started calling me and harassing me. He told me that I should quit my job. He would harass me because he thought that I might sleep with someone else there.

Yet I bore with all this because I still loved him a lot.

I took the help of one of my colleagues and warned him about calling me so often. But he continued to do so. So I called his father and told him that I will go to the police if his son called me again. His father knew everything about us so finally, he stopped calling me.

I suffered through this breakup shit for almost 2 years.

I have started living a normal life now only because one of my colleagues was kind enough to support me during this phase. I am doing my best to find happiness in my everyday life now.

Several years later, I got a message from him that he was going to get married to the girl that he had been going out with. She was the reason for our break up. She knew everything about us. She knew all that we had gone through. Yet she forced him to leave me. He did get married last year. But still, all those memories continue to haunt me. I still get nightmares.

Author's Note:

Dear Past : Thank you for leaving me alone in this world. You have transformed me into a brave person. I can face all kinds of situations in my life now.

Editor's Note:

It’s only when we reflect on our past experiences that we realize how immature we were at that time. But we also know that our past experiences have added a beautiful facet to our personality. That kind of calmness, that kind of peace, that kind of patience, that kind of strength to face our challenges comes to us only when we go through the bitterest of experiences. Do share this story because pain too serves a beautiful purpose in our lives.