Relationships heartbreak best friend college romance

My Fault Was That I Kissed Him Back But We Can't Be More Than Friends

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

We met in college and soon became friends. I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend. But it didn't affect us since we were just friends. Soon, people began teasing us. They accused us of being a couple and we laughed it off. Eventually, we became best friends.

We were very compatible. We had the same taste in food, music, travel, thoughts, theory, lifestyle habits, future plans etc. Many times, he dropped hints as to how great he and I would be together. But I was very sure of my boyfriend.

In our second semester, the girl he was with, then, left him to marry some other guy. He was broken and devastated. I was there for him, day and night. I cared for him like my family. He had become like family, by then. We remained friends, and nothing else. My then boyfriend wasn't very happy with our friendship, but I knew that I have nothing more than friendship in my heart. My boyfriend started getting very possessive, he doubted every step of mine and we quarrelled every week, just because I could not manage time to talk to him during recess. My best friend had found a new girl, thanks to me. But then he couldn't continue with her also and broke up with her. He and I left for our respective jobs in the next semester and one last time, before going, I met him on crossroads. He hugged me goodbye and wished me the best. By the way, he already had a job secured in the government of India, but he wanted to work in a multinational for the sake of it, till the time college ends. I left for Bangalore to start work there but somehow couldn't do it because of my love for government services, for which I wanted to prepare.

On the last day of college, we both met and the final thing he said to me was, “I'll make sure you break up with that guy.”

I laughed it off, and never thought that it would really happen someday. When I reached Delhi, I avoided meeting him until one day he coaxed me somehow to see him for an hour. I met him, and it was just like old times, again. We enjoyed each other’s company, a lot. My boyfriend, by then, due to his possessive nature, was getting on my nerves every now and then, but I didn't have the courage to leave him because I loved that man. But one day, everything changed.

I met my best friend after two long months at a pub. We got drunk, and out of nowhere, he kissed me.

My fault, maybe, was that I kissed him back. And to this date, he doesn't tell me what truly happened. I came back with a hazy memory, and the next day, he called me to check if I was ok. I wasn’t sure if it did happen until he confirmed that it did, and asked me what next. I was confused about all this and was in a state of shock. I could not believe that I had done this. I was in a troubled relationship for days, and maybe because of this, I wanted to vent out. So, I ignored what happened and finished things right there, I told my best friend that I can’t give him anything more than friendship. He was okay with it and we moved on. But since we would go out sometimes, it happened again.

This time, I knew I was kissing him back. ‘I have a boyfriend,’ I thought. Even though nothing much is left in that relationship, but I felt I must be honest.

I told my best friend that I need time to end things with my boyfriend if he wants to get somewhere with me. He loved me, and he said that I had all the time in the world. I ended things with my boyfriend, on a positive note. My best friend and I were happy together. After a month of going out, he suddenly felt that there was something wrong and we could ruin our friendship like this. I didn't know what to say then.

But then, I thought that maybe it's better to leave, because some things should never be forced. But still, we sometimes couldn't resist the spark between us, and ended up kissing each other.

He had broken up with some girl he had started dating, before things started with me. But one fine day, after his exam, he told me that he stayed with her the entire night. I was broken and devastated. We didn't talk for days after that, but he somehow coaxed me back. I couldn't help it sometimes, because I loved him just like my family. I really did love him, with all my heart. So, I forgave him for that one time.

Then it kept on and off between us, for two years.

Finally, I told him that my ex-boyfriend was back in my life, and wanted to talk to me about getting back together. Maybe this is why, the very next day, he told me that his dad wants us to get married. I asked him if he really wanted that. He said, "yes I love you and we are best friends, perfect for each other.” What else does a girl want? I still asked him to think about it because I was manglik, and a little older than him. However, he had no doubt. Moreover, his father loved me too, and was desperate to have me as a daughter in law. I told my parents after everyone in his house knew about us.

My parents, even though they were a little hesitant, only wanted me to be happy. I met his parents and family.

Everything was okay until I returned from my weekend getaway after this. He plainly told me that he can't marry me because I was manglik and too old for him. His chacha explained, that since I was preparing for civil services and may get selected someday, it would be socially awkward for him. His grandmother was afraid suddenly, that I'm going to kill her grandson.

He was also concerned that he wouldn't be able to have sex after 55, since women lose their drive sooner than men. I was broken, lost and unconscious, for some time. This was my best friend, saying this.

This was someone who himself proposed me for marriage, who initially said that no one believes in kundali, who wanted me for life, for whom I left almost everything in this world, and he suddenly turned his back towards me. He said, “we were better off as friends, I should have never thought about such things”. He wanted to stay friends after that because he knew how much I loved him and I would never leave him alone. I went into depression and tried everything to convince him to come back to me, but he was being his egoistic self.

He had become a self-involved person whom I had never seen like that, beyond the mask of friendship.

How could he not have said such things five years back when he started this himself. People tried to convince me, anyhow, but somewhere in my heart, I loved him with all honesty. I could never have hurt him even though he broke my heart many times. Maybe, it's true that guys can never think about anything but themselves. I was given reasons that were beyond my control, age and kundali.

It was not my fault, for which he left me just like that, it was so easy for him.

Sometimes I think that Punjabis can only act modern by wearing fashionable clothes, but their thinking comes from the streets. It was my fault too. I believed in such a man, despite knowing his past. But I never thought that he would do this, with me too. I never expected my best friend to leave me alone to die in depression. Loving someone is not wrong right? It's always taught to us.

It's been more than a year since all this, and I still have difficulty in moving ahead. But I thought to myself one day, that I should forgive him, and I did.

I forgave him for all that he did to me. I spoke to him and finished things. I really felt good after that, as if I was unburdened finally. Maybe I still love him, but it's buried in me, deep down. I know now that if a man can't stand with you during trials, he doesn't deserve to be by your side, ever. Maybe I'll move forward someday, and fall in love with someone who really deserves me. Maybe!

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