Dear Ex- Gentleman,
I hope you still remember me. I loved you more than I loved myself. You meant the world to me. But I knew I was just another contact on your phone. I also knew that you texted me only when you got tired of your busy life.
Maybe I was good for your ego.
Maybe I was some kind of an achievement or a trophy that you could brag about when you mingled with your friends. Maybe I was just a placeholder for you. Maybe you just liked to know that I was always available to answer your calls at any time and in any situation. Maybe you liked it when I did all this for you.
An entire sea of ‘maybes’ separate us now. Today, I am drowning in my own thoughts. I am questioning my own identity.
I know I am the only one to be blamed for all this. The weatherman had predicted a storm but I was the one who had decided to continue swimming.
I did not care much about the storm because I thought you were my lifeguard.
Maybe, like others, you too will call me insane for doing all that I did for you. I broke off with my family because I dreamt of building my own empire with you. I did not bother too much when other people pointed out the difference in our ages. At such times, you motivated me by saying, “You live only once so you have to do the things that bring you satisfaction.”
I was only 21 years old. I was young. Yet I thought of getting married to you. I knew others did not approve of us. But I had faith in our relationship. I was brave to do so. One of my friends once shouted at me. She said, “Are you blind? Why can’t you see that he doesn’t love you? He will never love you. Look at what he is doing to you.”
She did not know that I was too much of a coward to accept my mistake.
When you first entered my life, I was terrified to let my guard down. I had built a kind of wall around myself because I did not want to get hurt.
Then you came. You promised me that you would always be there to help me. You broke down that wall – slowly - brick by brick. I then started believing that you were my saviour.
I could now tell you my darkest secrets. I showed you my deepest wounds.
I even told you that I was getting addicted to you and your presence in my life. I loved your company and your words. I didn’t want this addiction to turn into love. I suggested that you maintain some distance from me. But you refused to do so. I trusted you. Maybe things were just meant to happen.
You remained at the top of my chat list. We exchanged sweet morning messages to good night texts. We lived together for days and then planned sudden trips just to relax. I shared every tiny detail of my day with you. When you discussed your workday with me, I tried to make you feel comfortable. We whispered sweet nothings into each other's ears all through the day and night.
When I let you hold my hand, I let you into my heart.
I did not even realize when you slowly became a part of my life. Why did you make me fall for you when you knew you were not going to be around me to catch me later on? I tried my best to not fall for you. But my destiny tried to make me do exactly that. You always said the right things at the right time. One day, I finally realized that you were the person I always wanted to be with.
I could see myself in you. I knew you could see yourself in me.
That was when I started walking along the road to self-destruction. I was puzzled by your behaviour when you started changing. Suddenly all your long texts became shorter. You had admired so many things about me previously but all these things irritated the hell out of you now. You didn’t have time for me anymore. I started blaming myself now. I thought I must have done something wrong.
I kept waiting all through the day and night to hear from you. But you were too busy to hear me break down over the phone. I kept losing myself every time you failed to pick up my call. I knew you now preferred to be with someone else. But I was always available for you. So you took me for granted and chose your plans over mine all the time.
I fought with everyone who said anything bad about you. I lost myself, my friends and my job because of you. I kept defending you and ended up becoming a fool.
Today, I feel sick. I am really tired. I am tired of finding reasons to just stay with you. You made me believe that I could be ‘someone’s sometimes’ but I could never be ‘someone’s forever’. It was not easy for me to continue loving you.
I kept giving up on my self- respect because you were too stubborn to let go of your ego.
Finally, one day, my biggest fears turned into reality. You decided to leave me. You said, “Don’t show me your face again.” Those 6 words ripped my heart into a thousand pieces. There can be nothing worse than being called your lover’s mistake.
You were the best thing that ever happened to me. Yet you said you felt guilty for being with me.
I still wonder. Would it have hurt me a little less if you had just left me without naming my pure love as an unforgivable sin of yours?
I cried myself to sleep every night. I tried to figure out where exactly things had gone wrong. I blamed myself for everything. I screamed to myself. I wondered why I was not good enough for you. I shouted out your name loudly. But you were nowhere to be seen.
My soul died a quiet death that day.
I loved you. I still do. But it’s time for me to close this chapter. I know that if I have to survive I have to create a new chapter of my life on my own.
I promise you one thing. You will look for me in the people you love. One day, I will be the one who will not answer your calls. One day, I will just scroll down your chat and status because they will not matter to me then. Maybe I will not even have to do this because by then you will already be in my list of blocked numbers.
You will search for my hand whenever you feel lost. You will miss my voice when you badly want someone to listen to me. Sometimes, you will hear songs that will make you miss me. You will change the track as quickly as you can. Someday, you will miss me, my texts, my attention, my efforts and the way I apologized after every fight even though it was not my mistake. I had never gained anything by winning an argument with you.
You will miss the way I cared for you and the way I loved you. I offered you something rare. Nobody else can offer you my kind of love.
There are a lot of people like you in this world. I’m sure you will meet another like-minded person some day. But you will want her to be like me.
You will regret everything and wish you could apologize.
But I will not be waiting for you at that time. I will not keep looking at the phone screen for hours. I will not wait for that one text of yours to make everything alright between us again.
I promise you this. You will realize all this but it will be too late by then. I would have unloved you with every fibre of my being by then. I will walk past you without even noticing your presence.
Today, I realize my worth. I know I shouldn’t cry myself to sleep. I know I don’t deserve such things.
No, I will not settle down for mediocre love or one-sided love or the ‘friends with benefits’ kind of love. No. Not again.
I am worth so much more. I want someone to love me the way I loved you.
I lost a person who should have never been a part of my life in the first place. But you lost a person who did everything to keep you in her heart.
I feel sorry for you because you lost out on me. You may not realize it my dear friend, but you are the biggest loser of our love story.
A gentle woman who knows how to love herself now.