I am a simple, fun loving, and family oriented girl with no big dreams. I find happiness in small things like a family get-together, a small coffee date with friends, movie day out, or a rain dance with siblings. All these give me happiness.
I am from a very well-to-do family and they have provided me with all the luxuries and comforts of life along with instilling our values and traditions. It is because of these learnings I could never be arrogant or proud of anything be it money, education, or looks.
I know that your learnings are your greatest asset and the only thing that you will possess till the end.
It all began when I completed my engineering and was looking at proposals for arranged marriage. I had no dearth of proposals and it became very confusing to decide for the future. I thought of marrying someone with the simple lifestyle but my family and my friends warned me about the consequences. My friends told me that it’s easier to see from the outside but it would be difficult for me to adjust to a simple, bit low background. Life would be a struggle.
Though till date I'm not sure whether this was a good decision or not but I was married off to an Investment Banker in London and life took a complete turn.
I won't call it a bad marriage and I am managing home well. We are blessed with a baby boy and my husband is also responsible and committed to his duties but I see the hollowness in life. To others and my single friends, they envy me and my lifestyle, my high-class in-laws, their stylish way of living, and our travel albums but deep within I know all this is superficial.
My in-laws talk to me very sweetly but that is all made-up. There’s no love from their side and they would just call me to know how my baby is doing, how our weekend trip went by and what other surprises we have planned or how our parties are faring. There is nothing like parent-daughter interaction.
My husband is loving but only when I'm able to matchup with his class. I have to dress and look like a model, behave and dress up classily in front of his friends and colleagues.
He even interferes in the way I am bringing up our baby. I have to do everything as he says when it comes to the baby. Though he fulfils my desires and helps me with work and my colleagues here, he decides on how our house will be decorated, what clothes I will wear, what I should be buying for the baby, what food we will eat and a little stain on my clothes would mean changing the dress again.
He talks to his family only when I am not around and will never discuss anything about them. They have their secret conversations of which I am never a part of. And when he takes me to their family function, they say their daughter-in-law is the most respected, loved, and the pampered person in the family. Is that so? Do you hide anything from the person you love and respect who is now your family? Everything feels so fake.
My in-laws including my husband don't want to keep any relations with my family and they only have the formal talks. I have tried to discussed and fought regarding it so many times with my husband but they are just a bunch of big show-offs.
My husband every now and then mocks at my simple, classless living with no big dreams and that leaves me in tears and a broken heart. He is chauvinistic with the thinking that women have no status in the society without a man. I feel so sad and I think maybe in few years my son will also start behaving the same and I will have no value of my own.
Therefore, I have planned to start working after he turns four. After all, work gives you not only independence but a diversion from the negativity.
There is no reason big enough to call off the wedding but sadness and depression have filled my heart. It would have been great had I not seen this fake, pretentious life.
I miss my family in India. I miss my friends, fun hostel days, roommates, job, and my fans. I miss dressing in a saree, miss being traditional, being simple, and above all, I miss being me. I feel my freedom is gone and it all makes me nostalgic. Nostalgia kills!
I wish I could be that little girl again, playing with friends, wearing a white lacy frock and my white bellies with a matching pearl hairband.
Those days feel like an illusion now.