Sometimes my memories sneak out as tears and roll down my cheeks.

Yes, it was my first love and he drifted away from me. I was 19 years old at that time. Every girl in my friends’ circle had a boyfriend. I wasn’t interested in having a boyfriend but when I saw my friends I thought I should at least have one friend who belonged to the opposite sex. I met him on Facebook and he was a mutual friend of my close friend.

We became online friends and chatted a lot. We had so many things in common. He was everything that I was looking for in a guy.

Soon, I completed my under graduation and was waiting for an acknowledgement letter from a reputed institute because I wanted to pursue cost accounting. After a period of time, we exchanged our contact numbers. I even gave him the address of the institute in which I was studying. I gave him the address of my house too. All I knew about him was that he resided somewhere in Triplicane in Chennai. But I was least bothered to know all these details about him.

He would meet me at the institute and we quickly became very close. We talked all through the night regardless of the time. I found all this very fascinating and loved being so close to him. I knew I had started developing feelings for him. And slowly, I fell for him but did not let him know about it.

I fell for everything about him. I loved his looks and the way he took such extreme care about me.

I loved him but I also knew I had to be a little serious about this because I did not want to hurt my parents in any way. I had grown up in an orthodox family where love marriages were strictly prohibited. But I had ended up falling in love with him!

One fine day, he proposed to me when I was preparing for my exams. My happiness knew no bounds that day.

I accepted his love and things were smooth-sailing for a month. But my love for him did not last for more than a month. I am not sure about what exactly happened to him.

But he changed his mind and asked me to be his friend instead of being his lover.

I argued with him and we fought about it for the entire night. The next morning he was strictly against continuing with our love. I was dumb-struck because he had changed his mind so soon.

I still thought that he loved me though he did not want to be in a relationship with me. He continued to talk to me normally every day and pretended as if nothing had happened between us. He then asked me to go out with him on a date. I could clearly see that all he had in mind was lust. He would take me out with him to watch a movie and then ask me to make out with him. I thought all lovers did such things and assumed that this was love. But I did not budge on my stance with him. I was damn sure that I was not going to get physically intimate with him.

He would often tell me that he loved me so much. In fact, he started making late night calls and taking me out for outings only after he had decided to be 'just friends' with me. I was quite confused about this because sometimes he said that he just wanted to be friends with me and at other times he wanted to become physically intimate with me. So I asked him to confirm his love for me. I asked him whether he loved me or not. He refused to say anything and started avoiding me. He started ignoring my phone calls, text messages and stopped communicating with me.

One day, he sent a text message saying that he had got an onsite opportunity to go to Dubai. He said he will be pursuing his career there. He was very cool and casual about our relationship till he left. He acted as if nothing had happened between us. We had become close friends again but then he also started calling me out for dates.

This time I was firm with myself. I told him that I would not meet him until he revealed his true feelings for me. I wanted to know if he had any feelings for me at all. But he failed to give me a reply. I literally started begging him to love me. I was so worried. Nights turned into days but I could not stop myself from missing him terribly. I tried to contact him in as many ways as I could but all my endless efforts proved in vain.

He never gave me a reason for breaking up with me. I kept searching for a reason for several days. But he moved on so quickly with his life that it startled me.

I waited for him for nearly 3 years. I hoped he would think about me and the love that I had for him. I was in a state of depression and constantly tried to communicate with him. For every 100 messages that I sent him, he would send me one reply, “I have not yet got my number.” And this went on for almost a month. He kept giving me the same reason.

I stopped making an effort now. I was so stressed because I did not understand what he was doing to me. He had been my first love. He was my first male friend and I had shared all my feelings with him. I would look at each and every message and hope it was from him. Every time the phone rang, I hoped it was him calling me. I was devastated when he left me like that but I was also very angry with him.

I somehow managed to contact him when he visited India. I confronted him about all that he had done to me. But he denied everything. I asked him why he had left me even though he knew I had given him my heart.  We had been in a relationship for only a month but I had been ready to marry him. But he became angry and we ended up arguing.

He gave me only one reason. He said his family would never accept a love marriage.

But he was the one who had accepted that he loved me and wanted to get married to me. But now the only thing he said was, “It was a mistake on my part to say that I loved you.”

Those harsh words completely crushed me. I was meeting him after such a long time and I realized that he was no longer the same person that I had initially fallen in love with.

My friends too cautioned me about his changed personality. I hoped they were wrong. That day I pinged him again in the night. I hoped he had changed his mind. How could I just let him go after waiting for him for such a long time?

I tried to end my life because my first love, my hope and my best male friend had dumped me and left me forever without even giving me a reason. I couldn’t sleep for so many nights after he had gone away from my life.

I had been having broken dreams for such a long time. I had given up my education for him. I had failed in my first attempt at finishing my inter CWA.

Now, I decided to brush aside all my pain. I wanted to forget all the broken promises and break free of my failures. I started focussing on my career and worked with passion on my professional course. I completed my cost accounting course and started working as an article assistant in a small manufacturing concern.

I now work as a business analyst in the operations department of a leading IT company.

Initially I refused to get married. But my friends and my mom asked me to live my life to the fullest at least for their sake.

They were my support system at this time. They asked me to get married if only to make them happy. I accepted the marriage proposal without even seeing my partner's photo. Three years back I got married to a person that my parents selected for me. I had no hopes for my future. I thought I was going to lose myself in my marital life.

My ex sent me his best wishes when I got married and apologized for hurting me. I honestly did not know why he reappeared into my life and apologized for his mistake. But I was not too bothered to find out about it either.

I just wanted to be loyal to my marriage and did not want to hurt anyone especially my mom. So I stopped connecting with him in any way.

I must definitely say this. Human minds can psychologically accept the reality of life even after a heartbreak. There were days when I thought that I would never be able to accept anyone else in my life after what my ex had done to me. But I ended up getting married despite all that I had experienced. Maybe I did so to fulfil my social responsibility. But I started accepting the guy I was married to. But I still have a feeling of regret all the time.

He is the best husband that any girl could ever wish for. Sometimes, I feel I am not very emotionally attached to my husband. I care for him and he really loves me a lot. I never knew a person could have so much love for me. I hope I am able to return all the love that he has for me. I still try to do this every day.

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