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I'm Not Happy Being 'Just' Friends With Her But It Is Better Than Losing Her Forever

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I think ‘love’ is the worst thing that can happen to a person. Hey! Don’t just leave after reading the first line. I am an out and out a romantic person.

I am also a happy-go-lucky guy who always finds positivity and hope even in the worst case scenarios.

I knew what a feeling called ‘love’ was since I was 10 years old. But my perception of happiness and positivity changed about a year and a half back. I felt like I had been dropped from a 100 storey building after which my heart shattered into countless pieces.

I know I am not the only one who is going through a bad patch in my love life.

I guess there are many people like me around the world who are facing the same pain every day and every moment of their lives. It’s such an irony that only a few thousand of these people get their true love.

Millions face the pain of heartbreak because they are not able to live their lives with the ones they love.

Many commit suicide. Several lose their mind and become alcoholic. Some go for psychotherapy. Mostly this never works because love is about the heart and not the mind or psychology. Many just shut their heart in a dark corner and never fall in love again. Some manage to fall in love again but are unable to overcome their past.

They keep adjusting to their present lives for the rest of their lives.

If love gives us so many problems why do we still call it the most beautiful creation of God?

Is there truly anything called love? Or do we keep adjusting in the name of love?

Isn’t it a great feeling to love someone for the first time? We all remember our first crush when we experienced beautiful feelings for the first time. Those breathless moments, those butterflies in the stomach….I still remember those moments when I saw her for the first time. I hadn’t found a perfect person for myself as yet. I never realized it at that time but I was madly and hopelessly in love with her.

She was special, very special…outstandingly special! She was the perfect example of life. Always happy. Always smiling. Astoundingly beautiful with an exceptionally beautiful heart…always helping everyone. Even on the toughest of days, she had a beautiful smile on her face and this could take away our deepest pain in seconds.

We shared an awesome bond of friendship but one day I realized that I was head over heels in love with her.

But it was late. Too late. I had found her at the worst possible time and in the worst possible situation.

I was planning to tell her about my feelings on that day. And on that very day, she told me that her marriage was fixed and she would move to another state after getting married. I knew it was late but I decided to tell her about my feelings anyway.

She did not judge my feelings at all. She just stood by me and told me that it was nothing but infatuation.

I knew all the Love Gods were smiling at us with a sinister smile on their faces. She was getting married after two weeks. So I decided to spend every moment of my time with her before she got married.

All the time that I spent with her during those two weeks were precious to me. I was with her until the last day when I bid her adieu.

She got married and went off for her honeymoon to some foreign location and I was left behind with nothing but loneliness and sadness. I deactivated my Facebook account because I did not want to see her happy honeymoon pictures.

I knew they would kill me.

I had many cool friends to hang out with and I got some relief when I was with them. I thought I would get over her after a while and things would be OK again.

But my heart was just playing a trick on my brain. Days passed. Months passed but I could not get over her. I just loved her like anything though I knew it was all in vain. One sided love is really difficult to cope with but it is beautiful in its own way too.

One day I decided to behave more maturely. I realized that all love stories don’t have the same ending. I decided to be friends with her or at least try to be one.

I thought that I would at least be able to make her a part of my life because I felt it was better to have something than to remain with nothing at all.

So I reactivated my Facebook account and texted her. She was a beautiful and responsible person. She replied to me and shared her contact number with me.

We now started on our journey of being friends. It was an awesome but tough journey. My love always came in the way of our friendship.

It created a lot of problems between us but she never gave up on me. She always stood by me like a companion and a guide. She was undaunted by my emotional turmoil.

I too tried to be just friends with her but failed quite frequently. My day would begin and end with her thoughts. She would always be there for me.

To her, I was just a good and a loyal friend but to me, she was the person I loved. I never did anything crazy and stayed within my limits because I did not want to create any kind of discord in her marital or personal life.

But I knew that I sometimes unknowingly added some confusion in her life. We had plenty of fights and most of them were caused by my own foolishness. Friendship would bring us together again. We would end up holding hands together but love would wreak havoc in our lives…again.

I was always scared of losing her so I buried all my emotions in my heart. But often a few of my suppressed emotions would spill out of my heart.

I tried dating other girls to get over the situation but strangely nothing worked. I would always look for her in every girl that I met but would never find her. Maybe I was obsessed with her.

But I feel if you truly love a person you can never ever get over that person.

So I finally decided not to fall in love with anyone again. I was content with the friendship we shared and I knew I would continue to love her from the core of my heart. But I realized that at the end of the day she was someone’s wife.  I knew she loved her husband more than anyone else in this world. It was a very natural thing to do but a very tough thing for me to accept. Yet I had to accept it.

I don’t know about the future but I never want her to move out of my life. I lose my balance every day. I don’t smile much these days. I don’t feel my life is filled with happiness. I have become an insomniac. I have seen doctors but no doctor could treat a broken heart so I just gave up.

I live my life like a robot. I am punctual with all my work but there is no emotion in them. I know there is no solution to this problem. I can never have her completely to myself but I can’t lose her too.

Every moment that I share with her is precious to me – more precious than anything else in this world.

I know the line between sanity and insanity is blurred in my life. I do try my best to behave normally but a storm keeps raging through my heart every day. I have become weak now.

I am tired of figuring things out and fighting through this but I know that I will stop at nothing. I still have a little hope in my heart.

I dream of a distant day – maybe after twenty or thirty years – when I will be with her. A day where her husband or her parents will not be beside her. A day when there are no obligations between us. A day when it will be just me and her. Maybe we will be old at that time but we could still go to beautiful places together. We could watch the sunset together and walk hand in hand with each other. I could cook for her and crack jokes with her and love her all through the day.

I will consider myself blessed if I get to spend even one day like that with her. But deep down I know I am thinking of absurd things and that such things might never happen. I am happy that I found her but I am sad that I couldn’t live my life with her.

Maybe that is why I began my story by saying that ‘love is the worst thing’ that happens. But when I really get down to thinking about it I think it is the most beautiful thing in the world.

When true love is not reciprocated in equal measure by the person you love - it becomes very difficult to endure the pain.

All of us are not lucky enough to have our dream girl/boy in our lives. But we all have to figure out our own ways of fighting it out. I too had to choose my way of coping with the loss of love in my life. I don’t know if it is right or wrong but I continue with it.

I am fighting with my love for almost two years now and I know I still have a long way to go.

And it is at such times that even the most beautiful thing in the world can turn into a nightmare for some of us. That is life and we have to accept it. I just wish to dedicate these lines of love to her:

“I look at you more than you notice! I want you more than you think. I love you more than you know. Maybe you will realize this someday. I’ll wait for that day to come because I know no one loves you the way I do.”

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