Relationships Marriage heartbreak past unhappiness

I'm Happily Married But Can't Stop Looking Behind My Back At My Past

( words)
*For representational purpose only.
I’m writing this down today only because I have to let my inner anger and frustration out. I can’t share this with anyone but I can’t calm down either. I’m 29 years old and I’m married. My life is a happy one and I’m blessed with a loving husband who takes care of me like this child.

My in-laws are great and they love and respect me a lot, just as much as I do. To be honest, there’s nothing about my present that I would want different. Even then, there’s just one thing that’s stopping me from enjoying my every day.

And this was my past. I was in a relationship with a guy who was in my office. He made me believe that he was a good person and I fell for it. He managed to manipulate me in every single way. He made me believe that he loved me and so I agreed to do whatever he asked of me.

Our relationship continued for almost two years when his parents insisted that he had to get married, and that’s when everything began when he kept trying to get rid of me.  

He told me that his parents are conservative people who were very orthodox in their ways. They would never agree for us to get married. He wasn’t ready to leave his family, which I understood, especially since I know how important family is to everyone. But that didn’t give him an excuse to use a girl and play with her feelings.

He refused to talk to them about me either, and that’s why I was sure that leaving his parents was just an excuse.

I would have been happy if he would have at least tried talking to someone in his family about us. He lied to me, constantly, about everything. He spoke ill about his parents and his other family members saying that they were crazy and all they cared about was money and how he should marry a girl who would get a lot of dowry when she comes. He even told me about his parent’s lifestyle and the more he told me about them, the more I hated them and made me start thinking about being a part of that family.

I still don’t have any idea if what he told me was true or not, but I know that because of what he told me, I stopped insisting on getting married to me.

Despite all of this, instead of leaving him, I stayed with him, with the hopes that one day, he would choose me over everything else, everyone else.

But all he wanted, was to stay away from me. When he shifted, because of his work, he was still in touch with me. Even though I knew for a fact that he used to meet girls for marriage and kept rejecting them because of their looks.

If there was one thing I knew about him, it was that he thoroughly enjoyed speaking to women with good looks. He disrespected them and believed all the beauty standards set by our society.

I was so blindly in love with him that I didn’t realize that he was being an idiot. He kept telling me that he was rejecting them only because he still missed me.

One day, he called me to tell me that his wedding was finalized. I found myself sinking into depression. I didn’t know what to do and asked him if we could meet just one time. Initially, he didn’t agree, but somehow, I convinced him. When he came, all his lies came spilling out.

I saw the chats he had with his fiancé, he told me that he doesn’t like her and he’s marrying her only because of his parents. His chats, now those told us another story. They were in love. He used to send her romantic messages and unless he could fake those feelings towards her, it had to be that he was lying to me about his feelings. I realized, sitting there, that he never loved me. I was just a pawn in his life, someone whom he used for his filthy games.

Even after he got married, he tried to stay in touch with me. But the one good thing I did, was that I didn’t stay in touch.

I began talking to my then fiancé, my present husband, and we were in our courtship period.

I realized that my ex had access to check my call logs because he had my password. I found out that he knew I was speaking to another guy. And before I knew it, he was stalking my fiancé. He had the audacity to call and demand me for an answer, as to why I was talking to someone else.

After I got married, he must have found out about it and he stopped contacting me. But recently, he visited the city and to my horror, he got in touch with me and asked me to meet him. I suppressed the urge to slap him and ignored his messages. He stopped calling again and yet, here I am sitting and thinking about him.

I’ve realized now how horribly he’s treated me, I was such a fool for trusting him and angry at myself for bending over in front of him. But the best thing to happen to me is my husband.

I share everything with him. I wanted to share my past too, but in our first few days, he told me that there was nothing in my past that would affect our future. Everything happens for a good reason, and it’s great that I didn’t marry that coward. I got to marry a much better person and with that, I got a better deal with this wonderful family.

I just wish there was some way I could get rid of this frustration and anger inside of me. I’m unable to let it out and I’m looking forward to people’s advice on how I should overcome this.

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