I’m Bisexual. He’s Straight. I Cannot Change My Gender So I Can Never Win His Love.

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 28 May, 2017

I am a guy who belongs to a typical Indian middle-class family. I am from Uttar Pradesh. My parents have high expectations of me. I studied in a college in NCR.

I had a girlfriend when I was in school. I was so glad to have her as my girlfriend. She is the best woman I have met so far.

I was straight until I joined this college to do my engineering.
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Like all other youngsters, I too enjoyed our college life. People who have lived in hostels will always cherish all the memories that they created in those small rooms. I too have many such memories that I wish to share with you. This story is about my bi-sexuality. It is about same-gender love.

This is the best memory I have of my college life.

In my first year, I had a wonderful guy as my roommate. Slowly we became best friends. We shared each and everything with each other. We were inseparable. We slept in the same room but on two different beds. The next year, I rented a room in a nearby place.

We became even better friends in our second year.
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In our third year, I saw my best friend drinking and smoking. I too started drinking and smoking – not because of him but because I too wanted to do so.

Then something unimaginable happened.

One night, I dreamt that both of us were making love with each other. Suddenly everything between us changed. I started feeling for him.

I could think of only him all through the day and night.

We started drinking a lot during the weekends. I could feel my love for him growing with each passing day. One day, I told him about it.

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But he was straight. He couldn’t imagine that I was saying such things to him.

I would cry all through the night because I would get all kinds of thoughts about him. But I would feel happy that I was with him all the time too. One day, we drank a lot and then played ‘Truth and Dare’. One of our friends gave him a ‘Dare’. He asked him to touch his tongue with my tongue.

I was surprised when he did this. That was one of the best moments of my life. He knew how I felt about him. But he didn’t give a damn about it because he knew he could never reciprocate the feelings that he had for me. It was as simple as that.

Soon enough, it was our final year of graduation. He moved in with me into another rented flat again. I would touch him whenever I got a chance to do so. He knew that I deliberately did this but he never asked me to stop doing so.

He understood and respected my feelings.

One day, I asked him what I should do in order to make him love me. He said, “I need you to have a pair of boobs.” How I wished I had been born as a girl at that time. All I could think about was how he would love me if I was his girlfriend or wife.

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He has such great lips. I would often fantasize about him kissing me. One day, he was really drunk when he came back from a nearby dhaba. He just slept as soon as he lay down on the bed. I was sleeping beside him. But I couldn’t sleep.

The love of my life was beside me. He was drunk. And all I wanted at that time was for him to get up and hug me. I know I should never have done this without his knowledge. But I just couldn’t control myself that day.

I touched his lips with mine – but only for a few seconds. My heart started beating at a faster rate. I froze. I lay down beside him. A hundred different thoughts crossed my mind all at once that day.

I was scared of what I had just done.

A few days later, we were playing ‘Truth and Dare’ again. A friend gave him a 'Dare' and asked him to kiss me on my lips. I was really very happy that day. I imagined all kinds of things in those few seconds. I just closed my eyes and waited. He came near me and kissed me. I was blank. I didn’t know what was happening to me. We started drinking after that.

After a while, he came to me and said, “Vo dare ki vajah se nahi kiya. Vo isliye kiya cause tune kaha tha kuch ek baar.”

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I was on cloud nine that day. I made him promise me that we would talk to each other every day even after we finished college – even if it was only for a minute or two. But promises are meant to be broken. He went to a different city because he landed a job there.

As for me, I lie on my bed and think about him even today. It’s been more than a year since we graduated. He is busy with his life and his job.

But I continue to love him even more with each passing day. I sit on my bed and say all this here because I know I can’t tell it to anyone else. Our society will never understand such things. Maybe even he won’t understand it.

But I am unable to get him off my mind even for a moment – even today. I wish I was someone he could love or be with. I wish I was someone who could impress him. I wish I was with him right now.

I never thought it would be like this. We can’t control what is natural. Maybe others see this as a sin. I never wanted to have that kind of a dream. I never wanted to be bi-sexual. But you can’t control the feelings you get. The feelings control you.

This is what I want to tell him: I love you more than anything else in this world. I may not have a pair of boobs but I am here for you with everything that I have.

Editor's Note:

Yes. Love is natural. Our emotions too are natural. But our love is not always reciprocated by others. Gender has nothing to do with love - at all. But we can have total control over our lives only if we control our thoughts and emotions. That is something we all can definitely do. Let’s share this story because we should never foist our love on others. The person we love will always be a part of our lives – that should be enough for all of us.