I feel love is a largely overrated concept. It is just a feeling of attraction that we experience for someone. Maybe we confuse infatuation with love.
Usually certain aspects of the person’s personality appeal to us. We notice things about the guy that we really like. But maybe the guy is just putting on a façade so that he is successful in his attempts at trapping us.
I say this because somewhere down the line everything changed in my life.
I had been with him for two years before getting married to him. But he seems like a total stranger now. His personality took a U-turn after getting married. And somehow it is always my fault.
I am the reason for bringing about this change in him!
Suddenly he doesn’t want to engage in any kind of physical intimacy with me. He doesn’t like me hugging him nor will he hug me. Every time I try to kiss him, he will turn his face away so that I end up kissing his cheek. Every. Single. Time.
And then he will always have excuses galore for all of this.
Sex has suddenly become just a physical need which needs to be fulfilled without the euphoric joy that we used to experience earlier.
It is just another tick in the list of jobs that need to be taken care of once in a week.
Romance died a long time back and there are no feelings of love anymore. Life has just become extremely monotonous.
My partner is there with me but he is not really there with me either.
I have learnt to hold on to the relationship because my kids are young. I don’t want the toxic nature of our emotions to adversely affect them in any way. I don’t know how my life started taking a back seat after we had our kids. Suddenly everything seems to be about them now.
I have sacrificed everything for them and have put my life on hold for the time being.
Yes, this is how I feel after being married for more than a decade. It has been a disheartening experience. I cannot express my feelings and thoughts to anyone. I am branded as an unreasonable woman when I do so.
I am even accused of having changed as a person.
And I continue to wonder… why is it so unreasonable when I share my views and thoughts with the guy I married? I do admit that sometimes when I lose my cool I convey my thoughts in an inappropriate manner. But that does not mean I can never express my views and thoughts. It is fine when my partner clearly tells me what he does not like or how he wants things to be done. Every. Single. Day.
Why is this one-way street accessible only to him? It is unbearable when my words are thrown back on my face.
Yes, I know I wasn’t given this kind of freedom at my father’s place. It is true that I got this kind of freedom only from you. But I always shared the glory of my achievements with you.
And it is definitely not okay for you to say that I was able to achieve all this only because you ‘allowed’ me to do what I wanted to do.
At the end of the day, you too are enjoying the fruits of my achievements, aren't you? Do I not share everything that I have with you? I realize that I owe you so much but how many times should I acknowledge the fact that you have done so much for me? Why do you need this kind of acknowledgement from me all the time?
I have thanked you profusely several times for enabling me to progress in my life. What else do you want me to do?
My monthly income is at your disposal. You give me all the money that I need. You know what and where I spend the money on 100% of the time.
Sometimes, when I look at my own wardrobe and see the three dresses that I wear hanging there– I wonder- Don’t I deserve a few more? Recently I bought some nightwear for myself after several years. You were deeply hurt because I bought something for myself without informing you about it. Sure - I did buy something for myself. But it was not gold or diamonds.
Why was this even an issue? It was a necessity for me.
I am really looking forward to the day when the kids grow up. I want them to lead their own lives. And after that I know I will be able to move on and live my own life. In the meantime, please continue being yourself. I will just suffer through all this and take it in my stride. I will overlook all your mistakes and continue to forgive you. The long-term implications of all these issues are not doing our relationship any good.
My heart bleeds every day and unfortunately, the pain and the hurt is damaging my soul. I don’t really need or deserve any of this.