I Was So Lost In Love That I Couldn't Find Myself Until My Heart Broke

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 17 June, 2018

I was a simple and sober guy. I loved playing cricket and always watched wrestling matches. I was a funny character till she came into my life.

I had always wondered how people could commit suicide when they were betrayed in love. I guess I was all set to figure this out in my life too.

About 6 years back I proposed to my best friend. But she was influenced by others and rejected my proposal. I felt sad.

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For the first time in my life, I cried for a girl. I also felt like showing her that I deserved someone better than her.

I was in my first year of college. I was giving tuition to a friend at this time. He had a cousin sister who lived in our society. I didn’t really like her too much but then we became friends and exchanged our numbers. Things were quite normal between us till she proposed to me. I saw no harm in trying it out.

I was not at all serious about it but I was loyal to her. I thought I was just attracted to her and she proved me right with her actions too.

I have a younger brother. I wasn’t aware that she was dating my brother and me at the same time. When I came to know about it I told her that I was not going to talk to her again. She then came over to meet me on Holi and told me that she was sorry for what she had done. I said, “I’m done. Please DON’T talk to me ever again.”

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She started crying but I didn’t pay any attention to it.

She then proposed to me again after a few days. I thought of giving her a chance because she too was a human being like me. I accepted her proposal.

That proved to be the biggest mistake of my life.

Things were fine for a couple of months but she started getting attracted to a boy who had entered her life. I knew I had developed feelings for her. But she was totally spellbound by his looks. I was worried when she started avoiding me. First, she started talking to him. Then she started going out to different places with him. And then she would tell me everything.

I was a naïve guy and I told her I had no problems with what she was doing.
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After a while, I realized that things would worsen and affect me so I told her to stop talking to him. But she said, "Who the hell are you to tell me what to do?" I then contacted the boy and said, "Bro, please leave her alone. She is my girlfriend." He said, "Bro, she is the one who is responsible for all this."

Things changed so quickly after I met him that it caught me off guard. I realized that she was not going to be with me anymore.

I tried talking to her but she avoided me. I wondered how any girl could ditch a boy like me. My eyes turned red because I was crying so much. I stopped eating. I lost 10kgs in a month. All the people around me did their best to make me understand that she was not the girl for me. They told me how she often cracked jokes about me.

She then started finding reasons to justify her move. And I tried harder and harder to convince her of my love.

I walked for about 12 km to buy some flowers, ice-cream and strawberry cake for her. I had to walk all that distance because I couldn’t afford the to and fro trip to her house.

I wanted to prove my love for her.
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When I went to her house with all this I just got a letter from her stating that I didn’t deserve her. She said it was time for us to go our separate ways. I went down on my knees and begged her not to do this for me. She told me that she was sorry but she knew it was not working out.

I was crying when I left her house. She then sent me a message which said, “OK. I’m not doing this. I am still with you.” I was overjoyed when I saw this message.

But a month later she messaged me saying that she had indulged in several relationships with other boys. My worst fears came true when she told me that they were all my best friends and the boys who lived in my society. She told me everything. I just kept listening to her.

I said, “You are the one who matters most to me. The past is past. You are my future.” She hugged me and kissed me when I said this to her.

Things were still OK between us. But after a while, she confessed that she had even had physical relationships with some of my friends.

This shook me badly. I was angry but did not utter a word.
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My health was deteriorating and despite the mess that she had created in our lives I decided that it was time to settle things between us.

I bought a diamond ring for her.

I clicked a picture and sent it to her on WhatsApp. She said, “I cannot accept it.” I did my best to convince her but she refused to listen to me.

I was so angry that I just dumped that ring in the trash can.

I was going crazy. I could not eat or sleep. I had nightmares all the time. I spent a whole night in front of her house. I prayed to God and asked him to bring her back into my life.

I would cry every day because I loved her so much.

I wrote the date of every memorable day that we had spent together on our water tank. It is visible even today. I took a pair of scissors and tried to commit suicide in front of my friend. He snatched the scissors out of my hand but the damage was done. I was rushed to the hospital. Mercifully it was not a very serious wound.

I realize how lucky I was that day only now.

I broke my finger because I was angry with her. I pleaded with her and asked her not to leave me. I vomited blood every day. My platelet count was going down steadily. I had been suffering from fever for almost a year now.

I knew that I often cried in my sleep.

One fine day I came across the girl to whom I had proposed all those days back. She supported me and was there for me during this phase.

I was now on a self-realization mode. I realized that whatever had happened had happened for a reason. I had lost myself because of her.

I had lost quite a few good friends because of her. My mother and a few of my other friends were with me during this phase. But it was as if I belonged to some other world.

I finally realized that she was not made for me.

Even her friends would tell me that they had never seen a boy like me before. I know that no other ordinary boy would have done what I had done for her. I had fought with everyone and had cried for her.

I had done everything for her. Yet she chose to leave me. I still have that scar. I still have a broken finger. I still love her. But now I don’t want her back in my life.

It was very difficult to get out of my depressed state of mind.

I am still single. But I have learnt to respect everyone’s feelings. I know I have become kinder as a person. I understand the problems that other people face. I try to find solutions for them. I help people whenever I get the opportunity to do so. I respect girls and hate people who don’t respect boys like me.

Every girl and every boy will have a different story to tell. This is my story. I know I have transformed from a naïve young boy into a mature man.

Author's Note:

I now look at life differently. I help many other couples who, like me, are struggling to cope with the reality. I have saved many relationships too. I now believe that: Love is Nature's drug. I also believe in -Struggle, improve and evolve.

I am what I am today only because of her. I am not criticizing her. I just wish to share my experiences about how relationships affect us personally. Please don’t ever hurt anyone. Karma is a bitch and even a series of rabies injections will not be able to protect us from it.

Editor's Note:

We all go out of our way to create a pain-free life for ourselves. Yet, only when we struggle with our relationships/challenges and with life itself do we really evolve into more humane human beings. Pain does serve a purpose in our lives too. And sometimes we all get to see the beautiful balance in our lives. Let's share this story because whether we realize it or not – we all do become mentally/emotionally stronger when we go through such experiences.