Life has played a joke with me and unknowingly I played it along. I was 19 years old, when I had come to Delhi after my life in a boarding school. The ambiance around me changed me a little but I was still in love with my boyfriend. I was seeing him for the last five years. Little did I know that the breakup would be such a nightmare in my life?
This was my second abortion. I could somehow bear the pain of the first abortion because of his support. But during the second time, I was left alone. The pain and trauma of these abortions are still haunting my life.
The pregnancy came with the morning sickness. I had even fainted in the washroom a couple of times.The image of the baby that I saw during the ultrasound leaves me sleepless till date. We had a breakup in the month of June. We continued to meet and had a physical relationship without protection. It was more like a pass time for us.
I was nervous and happened to take an over dose of pills. He managed to get some abortion pills. After consuming which, I bled for two months. I was out of my mind, completely shattered. The worse was yet to happen. He hardly bothered to talk to me. I needed him the most. I found no relief from the physical pain and consulted a doctor. I was shocked to find out that there were some pieces of the foetus left inside my womb. It led to the uterus infection. I handled everything all alone.
I faked happiness and cried deep within. I was emotionally drained and still craved for him. I gave him yet another chance.
He had accused me for not taking the pills on time. He also blamed me saying that the baby was not his. I became numb, filled with disgust with the kind of feelings he had about me. Later one day we had plans of meeting up when I got a call saying "My sister is bleeding while urinating. It's not so severe, yet I need to be with her as it's my responsibility". I had no words to describe the pain. The emptiness rushed in thinking about how he could just let me go when I was in pain of abortion seeing the pieces of my own soul getting flushed away.
I vented out my emotions and bid him a goodbye forever yet not giving up hope on love and trust. I was scared to be alone.
Luckily there was a guy who would care for me and expressed genuine feelings. I was happy again but it didn’t last longer.
One evening I got a text saying "the feelings were all false and let's end it here. You were a beautiful chapter." I uttered nothing and tears rolled down yet accepting the fact that I had mocked myself. I know I'll be judged based on this. I have lost a lot in my life and it is not easy to live like this. I have had many major incidents but I have accepted that the stars will remain blurry for me since I have committed a sin. Not once but twice.
I just hope no one ever gets a life like mine. It takes me hours to fall asleep and hours to get out of bed. I am just surviving and not living a life.