I Want My Wife's Love And She's Forcing Me To Leave My Family For It

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 5 September, 2018

I hail from a middle-class family. I have a mid-level government job and have recently cleared the UPSC preliminary exams.

I had an arranged married three years ago and ensured that the girl belonged to a like-minded and traditional family.

I've always wanted to love my wife from my heart and fulfil all her dreams and desires. However, as I mentioned before, I belong to a traditional family and I expected her to be understanding and have certain values.

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Initially, everything was fine. She lived with my parents while I was working in another city. I would visit her on weekends. Gradually, there was some friction between my mother and her. My wife would criticize my mother on a daily basis. The fact was that there was no particular problem.

She would analyze their general behavior and portray my mother and my sister in a poor light.

Then one day, she expressed her desire to attend a coaching institute because she wanted to start working. I arranged everything for her, convinced my parents and brought her to the city where I was working. After moving to the city, she said that she didn’t want to live with me, as it would create a disturbance in her studies. So I let her stay as a paying guest near the institute.

A few days later, she came up with another condition. She said that she did not want to go back to my parental home after her course got over because she wanted to live with me. I told her that I couldn’t commit but we could discuss it after she completed her coaching. However, she was adamant about a commitment from my side.

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She wanted me to promise her that I wouldn’t ask her to go to my parental home even for a week.

I could not commit the same nor could I let her studies suffer till she was through with the course and got a job.

She had to go to my parents’ house on the occasion of Karva Chauth. After going there, she refused to come back. She was not interested in pursuing her coaching either. I persuaded her a lot and made her understand that she was losing out on a golden chance. Later, if we decided to start a family, she would not be able to get such an opportunity.

She was adamant and declined to join the coaching or come back to the city. This was my first glimpse of her stubborn behaviour. She continued to vomit venom against my mother and sister whenever I called her or visited my house. As a husband, my duty was to pacify her. I asked her to let them be as they were not causing her any harm. I was tired of listening to her complaints every time we spoke.

I couldn’t understand why she hated them so much.
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Things kept going downhill and every conversation would eventually turn towards my family. She started comparing her family with mine. Though I was frustrated with her continuous outbursts, I remained cool. Criticizing my family became a routine.

She simply disliked them because they were different from her family.

I would like to cite an example of her unnecessary criticism. In the general course of a discussion, my father once asked me how the 7th pay commission had affected my salary, as there was a hue and cry in the media. I explained that there wasn’t a significant raise in my salary.

My wife got very upset about this conversation and rebuked me. She compared me to her brother saying that he would never sit with her father or talk to him. Had her father asked the same to her brother, he would have rebuked him.

I was the bad guy while her brother was good because he spoke only to his wife and not his parents.

At that time, I was preparing for my Civil Service exams. Though I was shocked at her mentality, I kept telling her not to worry about family matters, as I was planning to bring her to the city as soon as my exam got over. But she refused to come and live with me in the city where I was working.

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I’m posted in NCR, which is not a part of Delhi but is far better with all the facilities. She kept forcing me to take a place in a particular unauthorized and substandard colony in Delhi where her masi lived. I had to refuse because it was not feasible. Whenever I raised the topic of bringing her to the city, she would insist on the same thing.

She went to the extent of saying that she would bear a child only when I’d purchase (not even rent) a home in that particular colony in Delhi.

I got annoyed. I was losing my patience and my temper. These meaningless issues continued for a year. Then she added one more condition to come with me. She wanted to take all the furniture that her family had given her during our wedding. But that was not acceptable to me.

The furniture was settled in our room and if we took it along, we would have no place to sleep whenever we went home. Also, the cost of transportation and risk of damage was far more than the original cost of the furniture. I was also apprehensive about my parents’ reaction as I didn’t want them to feel bad.

Ultimately, I had to speak to her father and it was his intervention that forced her to come with me without any conditions.

All the persuasion from my side was in vain and in the entire process, she showed utter disrespect towards my feelings. However, I hoped that things would become normal when she stayed away from my family. I tried to provide her with all the material comforts. I was eager to start afresh.

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I rented a flat in a very good society and purchased high-end furniture, electric appliances and all the other things that she demanded. I also employed a maid to do the cleaning. I’d take her to watch all the new movies, we’d go shopping, eat out and so on. I tried to fulfil all her desires. Yet the comparison and criticism did not stop.

Every discussion would lead to a conflict as she would drag my family into it.

Whenever I spoke about visiting my parental home, she’d get annoyed and start fighting with me. I tried to encourage her to prepare for her coaching exams but her whole focus was on insulting my family and me. Whenever I called my mother or sister, she would get angry and misbehave to ensure that we had a fight. I controlled myself and reduced the frequency of my calls. If I did call, I couldn’t speak to them for more than 2-3 minutes.

She had another toxic habit of comparing me with her brother-in-law, her brother, and even my cousins.

She would portray me in a bad light because they were submissive to their wives and I was not.

However, her allegations and the comparison were completely illogical and irrational. Through all this, I was still optimistic that things would change after we had a baby. Her energy and attention would be diverted and our relationship would become better.

We’d been trying to conceive for over a year but were not successful. We got a checkup done and learned that she had some medical problem. We started her treatment immediately. Even at that time, her complaining and criticism did not stop. She was very aggressive. I also lost my cool occasionally but she never cared about it

If I tried to tell her anything, she would insult me. If I shouted at her, she would shout back louder.

I have always been a calm and loyal guy. I’ve worked hard in life and continue to do so. I am a rational man and have the ability to make decisions. The only thing I’m lacking is that lately, I am losing my temper very often, as I am unable to bear this nonsense any longer. I am a traditional fellow who believes in working out problems.

I love my wife, I want to keep her happy and solve her problems but I love my parents and my siblings too.

My wife initiates issues and stretches them to such an extent that the situation goes out of control. I do not want my wife to live under the pressure and control of my parents but I expect a basic level of courtesy and respect towards me as well as my family.

My wife will love me only on the condition that I break all times with my family, move to her masi's locality, and remain under her control for the rest of my life.

But that is unacceptable to me. Her recent episode has frustrated me the most. On the occasion of Janmashtmi, I planned to visit my family. When I asked her if she would come, she refused initially and then she agreed to go.

She would always threaten me that if I asked her to visit my parents on any occasion, she would not come back with me.

This time, she did the same thing. She refused to return from my parental home. It was difficult to win against her, so I decided to return alone. About 3-4 days later, she said that she wanted to come with me, so I went back to get her.

Once again, she refused to come with me because I was talking to my mother about some issue related to our uncles. That made her angry. I tried to persuade her to come because her treatment was going on, yet she did not yield.

Perhaps, she wanted me to beg her to come with me, which I did not do.

I came back alone and she went to her parents’ home. Her treatment has been disrupted as she was scheduled to visit the doctor 15 days ago.

I am really fed up now. I have only two options, either I divorce her or surrender to her, leave my parents and bear her dominating, accusing, and irrational behaviour just because I married her.

I feel like I am the only one who wants a child and is struggling to save our marriage.

She doesn’t seem to care. I can’t help but question her thinking and upbringing. The women-oriented Indian laws and our judicial system are anti-male. The process of divorce is cumbersome. The whole society is talking about women empowerment and stricter laws to protect women.

But no one is talking about a girl’s values, her role, and responsibilities in a marriage.
Editor's Note:

Every marriage may need a certain amount of adjustment or compromise to ensure a happy bond. However, no relationship can be driven by unrealistic conditions. And no one can force you to make a choice against your wishes. Share this story because it's important for people to realize that a happy marriage should not come at the cost of one's happiness.