I'm following my passion to be a dentist. I felt my life was normal like everyone until I figured I had developed insecurity, disbelief, lack of motivation, yearning for love and care, introversion, and possessiveness.
I calmly began to think of where it went wrong. Unfortunately, I remembered.
I was in grade 3. My parents were fighting. Their relationship was strained. Older people would console them and they would shift to a new place, and it would last for months. I changed school after school in a year.
Interestingly, both of my parents wanted my custody. I loved my dad more than anyone on the planet- he was my hero. Both my parents started complaining about one other to me. But all of it changed suddenly. My dad said my mom was bad and even said a bad word about her when I was in grade 3. He said my mom aborted a baby after me. I was shell-shocked. As a kid, I wasn't supposed to know these things. I always wished I had a sibling.
I hated my mom and granny. That hatred grew over the days. But my mom wasn't aware that I knew about the thing. My mom kind of kidnapped me when my dad left for work one day, and she took me to granny's house. I cried the whole day, wishing my dad would return and rescue me. But it didn't happen. My mom said that my dad abused her, beat her, and used bad words. I was a kid in grade 3! I believed whatever people said.
One day my dad came to see me at school secretly. I pushed him when he tried to hug me. I said "Don't even see me. You're a bad papa". I now know how bad my dad would have felt! There you go, I hated my dad too. It too grew.
As usual, my parents' ego healed and they patched things up after a couple of years. My father moved in with us at my granny's place. Everything became perfectly normal. But I was just a kid who was really hurt. It became difficult for me to believe anybody. I hated them and I thought everyone was a liar.
I stopped addressing my dad respectfully. I talk to him like you would talk to a sibling. I'm not at all as sanskaari as people might expect me to be while talking to my father.
I developed another bad habit. If someone hurt me, I would b*tch about them to someone else, just like my parents used to.
I became shy. I had no real friends. If people were willing to be friends, I refused to grow closer to them. I've been left alone several times, I have cried for days, I have lost friends to my insecurity and possessiveness. I'm constantly insecure that other people might abandon me like my parents did.
I'm here. I'm lonely and lost, but I'm here. I just want to be loved and cared for, and I want to share my bundle of love without fear. I've been holding on to it from childhood.
Please don't stuff your children's ears with your petty fights. It will scar them like it scarred me.