It took me a long time to summon up my guts and speak to the world about them. But it feels worth it.
I am not writing this for my father alone, but for every dad out there who might need some inspiration to live and for every daughter out there to love her dad.
I am a normal Delhi girl dealing with the s*** that life throws at my face every day. I remember being a bubbly, sweet girl with real dreams and aspirations. However, realizing them was definitely not my thing. I grew up being depressed most of the time. This eventually led to excessive smoking and drinking habitually.
Every now and then I thought of sharing all my sorrows with my family but failed miserably each time.
One fine day I finally thought my life was getting back on track. I was all set for a celebration. I never knew that it would turn out to be an unforgettable nightmare. I really regret going out that day.
I was out with friends, having the best possible time with my personal date with weed and vodka. I have feeble memories of that part of the day. But I can never get over what happened next. I was in the metro, headed back home when I got a call from my mother.
All she could say was, “Papa nahi rahe, wo chale gaye.” She kept repeating those words again and again.
I didn’t know anything about it and was an hour away from home. All I knew was that my dad wouldn’t hug me back when I got back home. Since this happened in the evening, I got to spend the night sitting by my dad’s side.
It was only then that I got to know that he had committed suicide.
So here are the final words that I could never say to him:
I love you. I can’t tell you how much I hate myself for not being the perfect daughter like Di. You were not only my father, but also my best friend. We are still trying to figure out what made you take such a big step.
The letter you left for us didn’t do justice. The people whom you mentioned would take care of us have backed off. Your wife still writes letters to you. Your daughters don’t forget to buy gifts for you.
It’s been a year now but things have just worsened. Thanks for gifting us “this” life.
You were the best father and I loved you more than anyone else in this entire world. Yet you broke my trust.
I am thinking of going in for therapy now. I am sure you didn’t want this for us. I want to write a lot of lovely stories but I just can’t forget the fact that you ditched us all.
Your not so beloved daughter.