I Realised It The Hard Way That Everything Doesn't Happen For Good: I Feel Lonely And Hopeless But I Smile

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 27 June, 2017

I wonder for how long can a person brood? Probably 10 years, 20 years, or so to say, forever. How would it be to keep brooding since childhood until you become an adult with nothing but regret about everything happening to you. Feeling lost and hopeless, and being looked upon as a desperate bitch by everyone around you. I personally feel an individual deserves some amount of peace and happiness at least once in a while. Wet pillows at night, and despair and helplessness in one's heart despite having people around you is not pleasant.

Your identity and character is questioned, and you are judged for being who you are, to the point where you are paranoid of being yourself. For instance, if you are an extrovert who likes interacting with people irrespective of their gender, you're not considered social but more likely to be branded as an attention seeking bi***.

It's been a long time since I began to try and understand myself. Wrapping myself under a shell is of no use because that is against my very nature and character. Sometimes the frustration and yearning for peace goes as far as attracting thoughts of suicide and ending this once and for all. What is the purpose of living in a world where you have a family but you still cry alone?

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What is the purpose of having a mother whom you cannot even embrace and tell your problems or cry out to but all you do is cry all alone at night feeling miserable and helpless at your own existence.

This existence seems pointless because you feel suppressed and have no plans in life. Everything seems to be big, stinking pile of garbage. As much as I'm hurt losing you to an unnamed relationship, I figure it is more your loss than mine at the end of the day, so it's okay. I don't know why but everything changed John (name changed).

My attachment with you was something which was bound to get either one of us hurt. As much I want to turn back the clock to being normal before our bond began, somehow a part of me is gone with you.

Maybe you'll never understand what I'm going through right now because I no longer seem important to you, but as for my side of the story is concerned, I've always struggled to be happy and to make my presence felt. I understand now that I shouldn't have been up, close and personal with you because now there is just a vacuum left. I have spent my entire life in finding love and wanting to be loved. Neither did I find it at home nor did I find it elsewhere.

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"Everything happens for good" doesn't really seem true in these situations. My photos show me smiling but inside I'm a broken and shattered soul who is yearning to find peace.

Is there no end to this destitute and hopeless feeling? Why do I feel I'm good for nothing? Is it because people don't appreciate me for what I am? Maybe it is because I've tried to change so much to adapt to this world that I no longer am who I used to be. I cry a lot. The fear of coming back home always haunts me because I know I will never be able to cry my heart out at home, even amidst people who should mean the world to me, besides a mother who is always questioning me for everything I do. People say, "Home is where the heart belongs". I personally don't agree with this because I get suffocated being home.

That's why I always tried to find a job outside where I can be myself but since I am a woman, I had to come back home. I'm a lost and broken soul, totally dejected and shattered. 

Author's Note:

If there is anyone who can resonate with my thoughts, kindly leave a comment.

Editor's Note:

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