I Promised I Would Never Write About You Again But I Can't Forget The Way We Did Things

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 10 February, 2018

I promised myself I’d stop carving coffins out of my writing and ruining it by making them about you. But you are always my muse to write about. It’s Friday night and I’m drunk on loneliness, breaking my promises again.

You never skip my mind, not even for a nanosecond. I am tired of thinking about you. Sleep is the only escape from you.
But sometimes, you even hit me in my dreams. I wonder, do I ever cross your mind for a tiny second in a day?

You've always had this pull on me. A part of me has always 'felt' you, and that’s a word I hate to use.

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All day, I thought about the countless other things I always wanted to tell you but never could. I know it would be pointless. But I can’t stop myself from thinking them, from feeling them. I may break promises I make to myself about not writing about you anymore. I am writing it for my sanity and to heal myself. I loved you for a long time before I ever said it, I think maybe since the first time you looked into my eyes and asked me to be with you.

I loved you because no one had made me feel the things you did when you touched me.

I still remember the warmth of your hug. I still remember the softness of your hand. I still remember the creases on your face when you smiled. I still remember the roughness of your voice.

Even flesh has a memory.
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I still remember the first kiss that touched me to the spine. I still remember the spark of those eyes. I always wanted to read those eyes, I always searched something for me in those eyes.

I hate you for leaving me with all the memories. Most of them start the same way: you walking into my apartment, my nervousness and excitement, it was a mixed feeling, we could feel the tension in the air before you had me pinned up and we kissed passionately like we were meeting after years.

Then there are the ones of us on my bed, skin to skin, talking about worlds in which we end up together, your thumb caressing the side of my face. There’s so few, yet so many.

I hate you because whenever I came across your picture in my phone, my heart skipped a beat. My heart skips a beat whenever I see your post on my social media feed.

I hate it because it all instantly walks me down memory lane, and I hate it the most. I hate you because here I am, writing about you once again.

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I hate you because I can’t and never will because I love you and I think a part of me always will.

If you’re reading this, I miss you. I’ll miss more than the chemistry between us. There have been so many times I’ve wanted to text, to call but my mind stops me with fear of not getting a reply or not getting the expected response.

I want you to know that I always knew that there would come a point where I wouldn’t have you in my life anymore. It hurts. I’m not ashamed to admit how much. But I’m hoping there will come a tomorrow where I miss you a little less, where I think about you a little less. I’m hoping there will come a day where I kiss someone and don’t think about the way I’d sink my teeth into your bottom lip and the way you did the same. I’m hoping that the next time I allow myself to get close to someone, you don't cross my mind again.

I know I was a fantasy for you. I wish I could also have the same for you but you didn't make me fall you, you tripped me.

If I ever expected anything from you, it was your attention only. But you made me feel like I was not even worth that.

I wish our paths cross again in future so that I can look into your eyes with the same passion and with some unanswered question.
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I hope at that time at least, you don't look down or close your eyes. I hope that time at least you read my eyes and make me feel that you had something for me in the past.

I miss you but I want you to know that I was worth knowing my mistakes. I was not worth this silence. I was worthy of hearing some kind words from you in the end.

I always knew that this was going to end but never expected it this way.

I read somewhere: "People enter your life for a reason, season, or lifetime. Season and reason both suck in the end but they are deserving of some appreciation of you to take them for what they are worth.”

I lived in a whirlwind with you for some time. Thank you for that. You deserve that much appreciation from me.
Editor's Note:

Share this beautiful story because even heartbreak can bring out the grace in some women.