I Fought And Married The Man I Loved Just To Find Love Outside Of Our Marriage

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 13 August, 2017

All my life, I heard inter-caste marriages are not a cake walk and to steer clear of them. But simply put, our hearts have no control. My love story started in law college when I met my husband. He stood out among the rest, his maturity, his wit, everything about him seemed different. That's the moment I started falling for his charm. All was well until he started reciprocating and I thought to myself why would a boy like that actually fall for me.

Biggest qualm in this love story was that he was a Muslim and I, a Parsi. In Parsis, marrying outside meant being ostracized and after a lot of resistance from my family I still chose to marry him.

My husband is from a very affluent Muslim family and our wedding had the who's who of the city, politicians, actors, Page 3 celebrities. My happiness knew no boundaries. I thought finally all my dreams will get realised. However, as soon as we got married and it was a joint family, I was constantly feeling judged and had to make sure everyone at home liked me.

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Considering my husband wanted a girl who stood by his family. His family seemed nice and accepting. They gave me ample time to understand the house and to grow.  But life is not a fairy tale and fairy tales always have a wicked person, mine had one too... my husband.

We used to speak for hours and hours before and after we got married, he is generally a caring person. His life plans and goals were to be super rich but there were problems in that. I saw him as a lazy person, who didn't like to work hard. He used to sleep all day and was stressed about the fact that he wasn't doing well in life. And when a man can't do well in life he can't do well in any other aspect.

Our physical relationship took a hit, we were newly married and his interest in me diminished in less than 2 months. My expectations as a newly married girl were much different. I started to think something was wrong with me, like I wasn't attractive enough, I'm not worthy of him. After a point, self loathing stopped and I started thinking maybe he was having an affair or was into someone else. I couldn't find anything concrete to convince myself to walk away.

The drift in our marriage was quick and it widened with every passing month. I couldn't sleep, think, write or eat. We had huge fights and for a month he would show some interest and then back to where we began. 2 Years passed and I started praying for this to end.
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Then started a new chapter, I was pregnant with his baby. Confused and hoping that this baby would change our relationship dynamics. Soon I had a beautiful baby girl too. She turned my world around. But all the excitement was short lived. Nothing changed between us. I was even more frustrated and I was so angry that often I lashed out on my daughter. On many occasions I promised myself never to displace anger that way and it took me time to learn. My depression increased as time passed. My husband's life revolved around his daughter and his parents and everything else. I felt so unwanted and so undesired. Fights just grew. I wanted to kill him literally. I stopped praying, lost all faith in God and started to look outside for my happiness.

My husband said that the only way I could really be happy was by starting my work and becoming independent and I do give him credit for seeing this aspect. I started my own small home run business and I started doing well financially. My mind seemed to be diverted and I regained my confidence.

I fell in love with myself this time. It was the best decision of my life. I started travelling with my own money and found my true calling in life. But still somewhere something inside was broken and I needed some fixing.

Soon the drift in our relationship was visible to outsiders and we thought of each other as nothing more than an eye sore. I confessed to a few close friends that we were having marital problems since a long time. I even confessed to his parents as they kept on probing why we didn't have a second baby. I told them only divine intervention could help me get a baby as their son had not touched me since I got pregnant.

I started to pray for the wrong things and it seemed to even work. I prayed that my husband's business doomed, and it did. I prayed his health should suffer and it did. I prayed he'd never get any peace in life and be as unhappy as I was and it happened. I was happy to see him in pain unfortunately but I also realised that I still loved him, despite all this. I would contradict my own thoughts. I realised that every time he was hurt I felt the pain too.

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I also prayed for myself. My work should grow and I should find love elsewhere. That's exactly how it happened. My work increased by leaps and bounds and my ex boyfriend got in touch with me. His marriage was also going through a rough patch and we kind of rekindled our friendship. We spoke for hours at end at times and the fact that he was not in India, I felt a sense of security.

Then I met a guy much older than me and we connected over coffee and lunches. It had to be all under wraps as both of us were still married. We decided that we also deserved to be happy and we chose to take our relationship a notch further. We succumbed to our desires and it was very passionate. I felt so good and so bad at the same time. We had booked ourselves a room in a 5 star hotel. In my mind it felt so wh***-ish to be with a guy for just a few hours in a hotel room. All the eyes in that hotel seemed to be judging my character. But when I went back home, I felt tremendously good.

I have hurt my husband hard this time. I felt equal. Later I felt gross and I told myself that I would never do that again. It was like fighting my own self. I realised that to keep my family happy I would continue to be married and to keep myself happy I would continue to be intimate with the person who really desires me.

I might seem wrong to many but some life decisions are not right or wrong, they just make you happy and that is what matters the most. I have spent many days being unhappy and I didn't deserve it. I deserve to be loved and since my husband can't love me, I chose to find it elsewhere.