I Lost Control Of Myself When I Met Him

Human @heart Human @heart in Life Is Tough on 20 September, 2017

I never imagined myself falling in love but I did. I didn't just fall but it broke me, scarred me and left me emotionally unstable.

I was considered a very emotionally strong person, that when my grandfather passed away (I was very close to him) I was the one soothing others, and controlled myself from breaking down to be the strong one. But, in love, I was completely blown away.

I always kept myself away from the idea of falling in love because I felt it’s a waste of time and energy. I was so content with myself and my loved ones that I never felt the idea of falling in love was attractive enough. I have heard this saying "when you run away from something, it pursues you till it gets you" and guess it happened with me too. I kept running away from love but it pursued, got, and trapped me.

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I met this stranger and got an instant liking for him. I don't know the reason but it was a strong feeling. I got to know him and as I was learning more about him, the feelings became stronger. I admired him, I respected him, I started trusting him, I got motivated by him. I liked the way he worked, I liked hugging him (I used to feel so safe and secure in his arms). I never got tired looking at him (there were instances when he caught me looking at him).

I lost control of myself when with him. He became a part of my prayers, my fascinations, and my first and last thought of the day.

It was all so strange but it was all so beautiful, in no time I was emotionally attached to him, I had fallen in love with him. He knew it and I too made him aware of my feelings. What I was not aware of was much beyond my imagination. I was being emotionally exploited.

My one-sided love gave him wings to exploit my genuine feelings. My feelings and emotions were used. Yes, it’s a very harsh word to use but that was my state. I was helpless with all the emotions. I couldn't believe it, as for me he was so perfect (exactly the person I always dreamt of being my life partner).

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I felt my heart sinking, so much pain because of my own emotions and feelings. I blamed myself for believing in love, going with my heart and emotions, becoming so vulnerable, for loving him unconditionally. I waited, and waited till I lost all hope.

This feeling of being emotionally misused devastated me. I left doing what I liked most, stopped eating what I loved eating most, cried so much that it made my eyes sore and left my head throbbing in pain. I didn't realize what I was doing to myself till I was told that I had stopped smiling and laughing the way I used to.

How could I tell what I was going through? That everything inside me was crying. Crying for loving him way beyond my imagination. I lost hope. I lost trust in love. I was scared of losing him and my fear became reality. In my heart, my feelings and emotions died and I was so helpless that I had no option other than grieving their death.

I failed to understand why he didn't have the courage to see me broken? Why he didn't have the courage to face me and tell me he didn't love me? Why? I thought he was strong but I guess I was wrong. He was more emotionally unstable than I am.

Low self-esteem took over me, making me feel unworthy of love. Making me believe that I was someone who probably was not lovable and love didn't exist for me. May be no one wanted to be in love with me? I was in depression indeed.

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I wanted to overcome all the negative thoughts overpowering me. Why am I crying for him who didn't care for my emotions and feelings and exploited them?

Instead I should have been thankful that he made me realize that it's not me who was the loser here, it was him. He had lost the person who respected him, adored him, admired him, loved him, and who was true about her feelings for him.

I can only imagine, if I could love him 100%, how much I'd have loved the person who would reciprocate my feelings and would love me unconditionally. May be 200% or 300% or probably infinite%. It took me a while to come to my senses. But now for sure I know that I deserve LOVE too and someone is out there not to make me fall in love again but to make me rise high in love together.

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Author's Note:

The question here is am I ready to fall in love again? And the answer is a BIG YES. Yes, I want to fall in love but this time I want to fall for the person who will love me, who will mend things and make them fall in place to be with me, who will understand me and respect my feelings and emotions, who will consider me a human. I promise, I will reciprocate the same because I am not someone who loves playing with human heart, its feelings and emotions.