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I Lived My Life On My Own Terms, Then Love Happened To Me

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

As a child, I was a victim of molestation but I never told anyone about it. I grew up experiencing sexual abuse.

The anger of that time kept building within me.

My soul was never at rest and it made me hate men and sex for the longest time. However, I came out of that phase. During my college days, I was strong, confident and smart.

Somewhere deep inside, I did believe in love but I never thought of finding a partner.

I did flirt occasionally but never invested my time in any boy because I had set very high standards.

There was a boy who literally begged me for my number and ultimately, I gave it to him. He kept calling me and soon, we started exchanging messages. In the beginning, both of us lied a lot to each other.

It was an exciting time as we fooled each other by saying things that we never believed.

As time went by, we got along so well that I didn’t realize when I fell for him. Then he asked me out on a date and I agreed. I had never done anything like this.

I decided to trust a boy whom I didn’t know very well.

I was worried that anything could happen on such a date night. However, I don’t know from where I got the courage to take the risk and meet him.

Meeting him for the first time was magical. Every time his eyes were on me, my heartbeat rapidly increased. I tried to avoid eye contact but at the same time, I wanted to see him.

His touch made me feel so amazing. I had never felt that way for anybody. We had a fantastic date. I slept with him but we didn’t have sex. He made me feel comfortable and I was impressed.

He was different, unlike other guys.

We kept meeting and with time, our love grew stronger. Both of us were mature enough to have a balanced relationship.

We decided to go with the flow and did not commit to marriage because he was trying to go abroad for work and I wanted to be financially independent.

But we never assumed that things would get so serious. I loved him a lot and soon, nothing was important to me- neither career nor studies.

He also loved me deeply but never promised that we’d be together.

One day, he told me that his parents had fixed his marriage. I was completely broken. I wanted to know the truth so I called his father. He wasn’t lying this time.

When I asked him the reason, he said that his family didn’t agree to our match, as our gotra (progeny or ancestral lines) didn’t match. He made stupid excuses that he wasn’t good for me because he drank a lot and he didn’t want to spoil my life.

Yes, those reasons were excuses for me because I'm a person who does what I want.

I never believed in destiny but I believed that I could live my life as per my choice.

But I was wrong; life taught me a lesson when I was very weak. I spoilt my life because of love. I got angry on him, abused him and cried for days. He didn’t call me back because I was angry.

Soon he got his visa and was ready to leave. He asked me to meet him for the last time. We met and I kissed him for the last time.

He went away and I did everything to erase him from my memory.

I tried going on trips, making new friends and even tried sex to make me feel better but nothing could cure my soul.

I was shattered and broken. I wanted to be emotionless and heartless.

With time I realized that this is life and you cannot plan everything.

I never dreamt of finding a boy like him. I hated all his bad habits yet I loved him. I don’t know why did this happen to me.

After waiting for him for almost 2 years, I finally got married as per my parents’ wish. I honestly told my husband about my first love.

I am happy now but sometimes, I wonder if he really loved me?

If he did, then what was more important than me? I never got an answer. I just want to hear the truth some day. Till then, life goes on.

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