Where to begin! There's no high strung drama. There's no heartbreaking sadness that looms over my days, making it impossible for me to eat, breathe and sleep. No, none of that.

I'm not even sure if I should call it love. But he, let's call him Shan, made my life beautiful. He was the only one who could bring a smile of wonder to my heart. He was pure, he was cute, he was absolutely adorable.

Something about him just made me smile at ease. Like what you'd feel for your pet, maybe. But now that he's gone, I realise that I'm the same old f*ck-up that no one takes a chance on.

He had a bad past, some girlfriend of 5 years left him. It was an intimate relationship, and for him, he still swears by the fact that he'll never marry another woman. Maybe he promised her. But when we met, and I knew he was interested. But he was not flirting really. He was being polite, sweet, and nice.

He's the nice guy that people say no one falls for. I fell for the nice guy.

I couldn't help it, he was and is, absolutely adorable. We started talking properly when I was drunk. I was just trying to distract myself by talking to him, but who knew he was that interesting? We ended up exchanging numbers, and chatting through the night. This went on for a week before we got drunk again.  

There on, things got complicated. He didn't want me to love him or care for him. That's what he said, but somehow I'm sure that's not what he wants. 

Two years ago, I'd lost myself for a guy. It got so f***ed up, my life was ruined. There was no way I'd ever do it again. I really wasn't ready for a relationship. But everyone who saw me with him was convinced of two things- One, that I was in love with him. Two, that I wanted a future with him.

Judge me if you want, but I can't imagine a future with him. He's someone I can love, but he's also someone I'd have to take care of. That's not what I want in a relationship. It should be mutual. But I didn't see the harm in being the way we were.

We went out a few times, made out the last time, and things got out of hand. He lost control. But ever since then, he's been distant. I felt like I lost him. I panicked, I gave him an ultimatum. I asked if he wanted to continue the way we were, or just remain friends. He chose the latter.

I said fine, but I needed some time out. He asked me not to leave, I said I had to. I was harsh, mean, and horrible to him. I told him I might never come back and even if I do, it'll never be the same. He might not have expected me to actually leave, but I'm sure he was more surprised at the fact that it didn't matter much to him.

Now that I've made him realise that losing someone isn't that bad, he doesn't talk to me even though we've regained contact. He's not being himself. And if by some chance he gets back to himself a little, he distances himself from me.

I don't really know what I should do. One thing is clear. There's nothing between us, and there's no scope for hope either. I wish I could have just one good love in my life. This is way too many heartbreaks in such a short span of time.

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