I Just Turned 31 And This Is What I Have Become So I Can Be There For Others

Human @heart Human @heart in Life Is Tough on 24 November, 2017

I know this may come across as an abrupt start for writing anything, because I am neither a writer nor a reader. I am an observer. Relations - they are the most complicated things, but only if we want them to be. Otherwise, they can prove to be the most sorted aspect of humanity. I once heard someone saying that we are all souls residing in these human bodies, that we are created in.

Since, we are temporary occupants of these human bodies, we are meant to fulfill some roles in life.

I will take the example of myself, to elaborate further. I have a soul residing in my body. My soul is one. But being a human, I must fulfil a lot of roles. Being born a female, I am a young lady and a soon to be woman, in my near future. I am a daughter, a sister, a grand-daughter, a niece, an aunt, a student, a mentor, an employee, a professional. I am so well-versed with these roles, that until today I try to stand up to the weight of these roles and fulfil the responsibilities that are expected of me. I admit that with some roles, I may not have fulfilled them 100% as I am indeed, not perfect.

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I turned 31 years old in October. A lot more roles are waiting for me to embrace them, but I don’t feel competent enough to fulfill those roles.

In my life partner, I want a companion-friend-mate-lover-protector-comforter-GENTLEMAN. I do not deny this fact, because I am quite sure of what I want, but I am not certain about myself. Would I be able to play the role that would be expected of me? Would I be able to give away all of it which I am seeking, from another person? Would I be able to do justice to this role? A lot of uncertainty keeps surrounding me with the very thought of this role that life will inevitably bestow upon me.

The circumstances I have faced in my past, do play a role in shaping my current mindset. I was always a thinker, but now I have become a deep thinker, which everyone says is not a good way of living life, and dealing with life.

Thinking is good, but thinking deeply never gives a way out. I have got to trust myself, I have got to bet on others. Things will fall into place eventually, things will happen as they are meant to, and they will happen for good. I have to believe more and doubt less.

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Whatever happens, happen for a reason. I keep wondering, what are these reasons?

Yes, I have got answers to a lot of questions, but some questions remain unanswered. And these unanswered ones, I keep pondering on, in my thoughts. Relationships are not complex because we are just fulfilling the roles assigned to our souls, for renting these bodies.

Then why we do we fuss around, so much, about them? I am scared, and I am scared of what it is that I am tying figuring out.

I have given my best in all possible ways, now I want to be on the receiving end. Would I ever be getting anything in return? Ever? I have made mistakes, huge mistakes and I have learnt lessons, big time. My trust has been broken, faith has been broken, but still, I have mended my ways to stand tall and keep a smile on face. I have been keeping my emotions in check when exposed to the world, but when I am safe in my own shell, there is a countless number of tears which keep on rolling inside my heart, trying to heal the unseen wounds and gathering the courage to smile for the next round of exposure. All those people who know me, they see me as a strong-willed person, a warrior child to my parents, who took a decision to stay away, just to achieve things and become who she is today. My friends see me as the person who stands firmly to abide by her principles and doesn’t care about the world criticizing her. I am the friend who does not tolerate nonsense.

I am still the same, but the essence of my originality seems to have faded.
Author's Note:

I am missing myself, my original self - the chirpy me, the ever smiling me (not just from outside, but from within), the positive me, who actually gave a damn. I miss the giver in me.

Editor's Note:

Share this story because too many of us, are guilty of overthinking.