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I Got Married Because I Didn't Want To Break His Heart And The Result Isn't What I Had Hoped For

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

My husband is a very good person. He is very kind hearted, helpful and honest.

When we met, it was love at first sight for him but for me it was different. Though I found him cute and I could sense he is very good, I just didn't feel that spark. i didn't feel that butterfly in my tummy nor did I miss a heart beat for reasons unknown.

Gradually, we decided to give us sometime before we take a call on marriage so that we know each other better. In this process, he completely fell for me and got very attached to me. Me on the other hand liked his company but still couldn't feel that spark.

Years passed. We remained friends and finally it was high time for us to decide. It was a big YES from his side. From my side I didn't know what to say. How to reject him as he was so perfect. Only because I don't feel that spark? Is it fair to break his heart? Will I ever find someone who would love me as much as he does? It was getting too hard for me to decide.

Just then a quote came into my notice while browsing the net. It said, "Marry a person who loves you more than you love him". Even one of my favourite songs had a line , "Chahe jo tumhe poore dil se, milta hai woh muskilse, uss haath ko tum thamlo, wo meherbaan kal ho na ho."

Moreover, I always felt he was a much better person than I am. His company kept me grounded. May be his presence in my life would help me become a better person. And most importantly, I was too emotional to break his heart. I simply could not.

I feel I am quite a bad ass but still I could never break a pure heart like his. So finally it was a yes from my side too.

Now its been 5 yrs since we are married. Its going quite well except that I still don't feel the spark. I tried making lots of adjustments and changed myself a lot so that I could match his good boy image. I feel these changes that I have made in myself are for good.

But once in a while, honestly, I get frustrated. I get fed up of him being so good and I trying to be so good. Moreover, I feel we have a not so good sex life for which I blame myself. For me its very important to feel the spark with the person I am having sex with.

Unfortunately, I didn't consider this aspect to be that important while deciding marriage. This might be a reason why we still don't have a kid even after trying for last 2 years. Anyway, considering my experience I feel I should share my story with all and advice all who can relate to my story than marry a person who swept you off your feet.

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