Happiness, joy, self-consciousness, care, goosebumps are just some of the aspects that come to our mind when we think of our first love. True love for me meant that I woke up and went to bed thinking of him.

The irony of it all is that love does not treat everyone equally.

We all cherish the memories of our first love. Even if our love is one-sided we do feel happy when we think of him/her. But if we end up getting hurt, we will never be able to believe in love completely for the rest of our lives.

I can never forget that first brush of love. It came like a fresh breeze into my life and will always stay with me. I was merely 16 at that time. I started getting attracted to one of my classmates. We had been studying together since our pre-nursery.

People say that only the lucky ones are loved by the person they love.

I guess I got lucky because he proposed to me after a while. I was so glad when he did this but I never expressed my feelings to him. I just asked him for some time to think about it. I thought about it for almost 7 months. But these 7 months were really amazing.

We fought a lot. He sang Bollywood songs for me. He would hold my hand and would keep staring at me. I would look at him and feel shy.

I knew I was in love so I finally accepted his love. I still remember that day. We had gone for our school picnic. It was a beautiful place. The water was crystal clear and there was sand all around us. We were singing love songs and his eyes were looking into mine….waiting for my answer. It was perfect. I felt as if the entire world had stopped moving. We had been holding hands for a long while now and were looking at each other.

He was so happy when I accepted his proposal that he wanted to run and tell the whole universe about it.

Time passed and almost everyone knew about us in school and later on, we continued to meet when we were in junior college too. We would fight a lot but couldn't stay away from each other for a long time.

We had become inseparable.

After he finished his 12^th, he went to another city to study. I continued studying in my hometown. I felt he was ignoring me now and finally a day came when we just stopped talking to each other. It was a very difficult time but I tried to move on.

But he called me after 6 months and said that he could not live without me. I was in tears but I was really happy to get him back.

He came to visit me after a few months and our families got to know about us. That was a terrible time for both of us. Our families met and asked us to promise that we would never meet again because we belonged to different religions. So we separated again.

But we were not able to stay away from each other for a long time.

I had now got a job offer so I moved to a different city. I don’t know how but things between us started changing again. Maybe the distance between us was creating a rift in our relationship. We did not talk as frequently as before and we now shared an ‘on and off’ relationship. I then moved to the city that he lived in.

But somehow the spark was missing now. I treated him more like a friend now.

Both of us were meeting new people. We had made new friends and somehow we were not giving our best to our relationship. Things started moving in a different direction altogether.

Whenever we tried to talk to each other we would end up fighting again.

Meanwhile, my mom was pressurizing me to get married. I had met a guy in my office and we got along quite well with each other. We spent a couple of years as friends and we decided to get married. I knew that I did not want to go in for an arranged marriage. My mom agreed to get us married though he followed a different religion. I still don’t know how she agreed to it.

But I was really in a dilemma about getting married to him. I didn’t know what to do. I decided to meet my old friend and tell him everything.

So we met. I told him about this guy in my office and how all this was heading towards marriage. I had expected him to express his love for me again. I had wanted him to stop me and ask me several questions about it. But he said nothing of that sort.

He just said, “It’s your life. You may do what you feel like.”

I was shattered and angry. I left his place, called my new friend and agreed to get married to him. I knew he had his own share of responsibilities to shoulder. But I wanted him to assure me that he would get married to me. He said he needed time and I was ready to wait for him. 

I got married to him after almost 2 years but somewhere deep inside my heart, I knew that I still wanted my old friend.

We would talk on the phone and we met after that too. My husband knew everything about us.

But he never tried to interfere between us. He never asked me any questions about him either. That really helped me a lot.

I had made it very clear that I would need time to get over a relationship that had lasted this long.

My husband is a very nice person and I am happy. I still meet my old friend and my husband does accompany me but sometimes I still feel incomplete.

Perhaps it is wrong to feel this way but I have no control over my emotions. I know he feels that kind of emptiness in his life too. I know that one day he too will get married and things will change after that. And whenever I think about this I want to cry.

I wonder if his wife will understand the bond of friendship that we shared for such a long time. I also know he feels hurt when I am with my husband.

We tried not to talk to each other but failed. The feelings that we share never go. I know I cannot give my 100% to my marriage even if I try. I have tried and have failed several times.

When I was with him I never had to say anything to him. We would just understand each other by looking at each other.

We are not together now and we cannot be together in this life at least. I know that I will have to live with the memories of the times that we shared. After all, it was our choice.

He would always say that it is not necessary that the people who love each other should stay together. The love between them will always be there.

But I would never agree with him because I always wanted to spend my entire life with him. When I walked out of his life, he didn’t stop me. He thought I will look back. And I didn’t look back thinking he will stop me.

Our egos won over our love and we parted ways.

I sometimes wonder how my life would have been if we had ended up together. But I can only imagine such things now because I have lost my love. I have always loved him and will always love him all through my life.

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