You know that feeling when you have given a major part of your life to loving someone, but you still somehow, end up losing them?

Our story goes back to our high school years, tracing back to ten years ago. He was my school sweetheart and our story began quite conventionally. We both were introduced to each other via common friends, he was a few years senior to me and somehow we just clicked. It felt right. We soon became inseparable, friends first and then soon afterwards grew surprisingly close to each other, we didn’t even realise when and how we made that jump so soon.

Our small yet trustworthy group of friends that brought us together, essayed the role of family- nurturing and supporting and our backbones throughout our journey.

But you know, we continue living in a bubble knowing very well the fear of its temporary existence, only for the comfort of a cocoon. Everything seems like a fairy tale during those adolescence years, you only get a reality check once you come out of that fairy tale.

Both of us belonged to conservative families and conflicting backgrounds that were totally averse to inter caste matrimony. Somewhere down the line, we both realised that things would never work out between our families and we made one the toughest decisions of our lives- we decided to part ways before it got too messy and we reached a point from where we couldn’t turn back.

Hence, before it was too late, we decided to move away and walk our separate ways.

But I never knew that this thing called 'moving-on' wasn’t as easy as many made it sound. I did everything I could possibly think of. Undisputedly, every possible thing to forget him and start over. But I just never got closure, I could just never wipe his memory out entirely.

We had cut off on all terms. For five years, we tried to completely obliterate each other’s presence and memory from our slates.

I guess I was just fooling myself, for even after five years I realised that I was still stuck at the same place and had barely moved at all. I might have even fallen behind a little, for I hadn’t moved on at all and the constant struggle and failure was making it really hard for and on me. I just was losing hope. 

That's when one of our common friends advised us to initiate a proper conversation and try to attain closure. We did do so but just ended up achieving the former and yet were lacking closure.

We realised that even after five years, nothing had changed between us, we were still exactly where we were five years ago. The love, the excitement, the spark; every feeling was still intact. The only difference was that we weren’t in High School anymore.

We knew separation was not achievable for we both had failed at it miserably. It has been three years since we met to talk. He showers me with all the love he can muster. He, despite being inexplicitly expressive, has tried his best to make me feel special. It is strange that when you know someone for so long, you understand them even without them uttering a word, but he has still kept the spark alive.

I have never felt as secure and comfortable with anyone else. Believe me, he belongs to the very few of the last few left. But still one can never alter the facts.

We always knew that our families would have never agreed to our relationship. But I also knew that when you meet someone like him, you do wish to try, harder for someone so worth the wait.

I have always been a family-oriented person and I would have never wanted either of us to go against our families’ wishes. But I still wanted us to try. Try to convince them, for at least we wouldn’t have lived in the ambiguity and regret of not trying.

But unfortunately, it has always been futile for him. He, for a very long time, has been convinced that there is no future in our relationship. He wants to be with me but doesn’t want to commit to matrimony.

Small instances like his nervousness surrounding a plan between his sister and I, made me realise soon enough that he would never be able to commit further and solidify our love. If he could not accept 'us' even in front of our close acquaintances, how would he ever be able to overcome our families’ distaste and apprehensions?

In the turmoil of loving me and trying not to love me further, he ended up hurting me. But more than me, he hurt himself and that hurts me even more. 

He has loved me with all his heart throughout these years and that's a fact which I can never deny, and will never deny. But if love had been everything, life would have been so much simpler. But there was always more to it- our families and the society we grew up in. I realised it too late that he would never take a stand and I could never change that. Further, I didn’t want to change that for that wasn’t the person I fell for and I would never want to change the person I fell in love with.

His family is pestering him for marriage and I can see that every time he goes home, he comes back a little disturbed and a little exhausted. It kills me every time I see him so helpless. While I have assured him that I understand, but each day, I feel a bit emptier on the inside and still hope that maybe one day there would be a miracle and our story will have a different ending.

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