My life, to put it in a few words, has been a rocking boat! It is full of holes and is sailing through a rough sea. It has always been like this and continues to be like this. It is mostly out of control. Sometimes it is because of me.

I had a very troubled childhood. My parents left me at our house owner’s house.

They didn’t legally adopt me but loved me dearly and did everything in their capacity to give me a happy life.

My parents came back to town when I was 19! Meanwhile at 17, I met this boy and I fell in love with him. Life with him was hell because he always doubted and suspected me. He always made me cry!

I never give up on anything very easily. I stuck with him with the hope that my life would become better soon. After 6.5 years, he became an alcoholic and my parents forced me to leave him.

Two years after I left him, my parents got me married to another man. I had no love to give to any man but I got married to keep my parents happy.

My husband is a decent man and is loved by all. But I couldn’t love him ever. I respect him very much. But we have had many issues right from the start. It’s been 14 years now and I have a 10 year old daughter. He has proved that I am not his first priority in his life. His parents matter more to him and he has let me down so many times.

He has made it clear that he only lives with me because of my daughter. He has no love or respect for me.

3.5 years ago (I am now 40) I met a man who was 4 years younger than me. We fell completely in love with each other.

He was married and his wife was pregnant when we fell in love with each other.

He had a lousy marriage with no love and a very unloving wife.

I also got pregnant with his child when his wife was 5 months pregnant.

I had to go in for an abortion after thinking about his wife’s advanced pregnancy. He never wanted me to do so at that time. Now he has a 2.5 year old daughter. All was going well.

I had made it clear to him from the very beginning that I wanted to live with him. He was the soul mate that I had been waiting for. I didn’t want to die without him in my life.

After his wife and daughter came back, all the messages, calls and meetings reduced slowly. He showered all his love on my daughter.

His behavior towards me changed drastically in the past one year. He stopped doing every small thing to make me feel needed or loved. I started panicking and wanted him to get out legally.

I was ready to leave my husband and daughter. I thought he too loved me and he would do the same thing for me.

So he got pressurized and started behaving in an even more aloof manner. Until very recently, I was still under the impression that he was going to take me out.

A few weeks back, after having many fights over quite a few months he dropped the bomb saying he cannot do injustice to both our daughters. He feels sorry for his wife. He says though he doesn’t love her, he feels sorry for her.

I have observed that he is never a decision maker. He always wanted this relationship to be so very very secretive that he did not even want to share it with his best friend. Even after he said that he could not get out of his marriage for me, I wanted a normal and peaceful life.

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