I Don’t Love My Wife and I Don't Feel Guilty

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 18 July, 2017

Our friends know us and often confront us with realities, which we tend to overlook. One such remark from a close friend that I at times treated her the way I treated my wife, had me introspect on my behavior. This was not the first and may not be the last either that I was and would be exposed to such remarks.

Earlier in the week, my ex told me that I behaved differently from what I used to be and my prompt reply was, “Yes, I have stopped allowing people to hurt me”.

Well, these instances surely had me crack a conversation with my conscience and pen down what had changed me in recent years. And even before my heart could respond the brain replied, 'the fear of being hurt'. The idea of being abandoned and weeping for days thinking why he/she was the victim gives shivers and is such a waste of time. It’s weird and ironic that someone’s arrogance and ignorance changes you completely. This is my life and I alone am allowed to judge it.

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It’s been six years since I married my schoolmate and before you jump to any conclusion of us being in a love alliance, I confirm it wasn’t. Childhood buddies with us sharing the classroom from class six to our masters, we were like any other IT couple forced into marriage, not out of love but by choice.

This doesn’t mean that I was never in love; I was and now in a phase trying to fall in love for the second time with my wife.

I’ll walk you through myself; I’m that imperfect guy every girl would love to settle down with, notable achievements, no ill habits yet social enough to have friends, an obedient son, a doting brother and hopefully a perfect father in the future. As for husband, an understanding individual who believes in lending space and support to his better half. I’ve been blessed in this aspect with both the ends (family and wife) harmoniously synced with each other.

While on the front I had everything a man could wish for, it was love that had me shattered within.

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Falling in love for the second time isn’t easy and I was surely nowhere close to it; being unapologetic about the truth that I didn’t love my wife. At least, it’s better than faking love in front of someone when you don’t feel so within.

What worries me is the fact that the world expects me to be thoughtful about my actions and not understand that it’s difficult to fall in love for the second time. Such is the hypocrisy, that you are not allowed to speak your heart to the one you love but expected to be empathetic to the one you don’t.

All I know at this point is I’ll never fall in love for the second time as that second chance is hard to be given.
Author's Note:

It’s ironical that we dwell in a society that refuses to accept the truth and finds bliss in living in a world of dishonesty and pretense. A question that often floods my mind is why the society can’t be flexible enough to adapt to the changing times, reducing complications in living.