Husband Love Relationships Marriage past

I Don’t Know If I Will Ever Love My Husband

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I took so much time to realize that I loved him. After my first break-up, I believed that this too was just attraction between two people and love was reserved only for some of the luckiest people. Even now, I don’t know if I really did love him. I only know that I wanted to spend my entire life with him. I wanted to see him every day.

Now, I am a married woman and even after two years of being married I don’t love my husband. It was an arranged marriage and we are two people who are completely different from each other. We don’t fight but I am not happy because I don’t feel like there is anything between us. For me it is like two people who are just spending their life together in a house.

I first met him when I was in college. One of my friends asked me to help him out with his notes and assignments. For one whole semester we talked only about our studies and I used to teach him before all his exams. As time passed I realized that he had become a good friend of mine. I had some more friends who were like family to me and now he too was one of them. I loved them so much. We both were so close. It was as if we were childhood friends. We used to meet and hang out with my other friends and we had so much fun. That was the best part of my life.

It was the last year of my college. I went home for my vacation. When I came back I felt as if he was maintaining some distance from me. I didn’t feel anything when we talked but I felt his behaviour was slightly different.

Earlier we used to fight but now he was keeping his distance. He did not like being touched and avoided it.

I thought that maybe he misunderstood me and thought that I liked him. I thought that is why he was behaving like this. But when I got that feeling, I told myself that it was nothing and it was just attraction. I also thought that maybe he liked me or was feeling attracted to me and he didn’t want to ruin our friendship.

Then the last semester came. I was feeling so confused by his behaviour. It was as if a war was going on in my heart. I then realized that I really loved him. When we were all going home after the end of the semester, we were all in tears. Even he was in tears.

But I came home without telling him anything because I didn’t know about his feelings. I didn’t get any confirmation from his side saying that he liked me so I was confused. Then I got a job. After sometime my parents asked me if I liked anyone. They said otherwise they would search for a life partner for me. I told them I didn’t like anyone and agreed for an arranged marriage.

All my friends came for my wedding. Even he came but he didn’t stay for long. He went back just after my wedding. It’s been 4 years since I left my college. We keep in touch even now but don’t talk that much.

I don’t know what will happen to my life. Will I leave my husband? Or maybe I will stay with him with hardly any feelings for him. He tries to be romantic with me sometimes but I don’t feel the same way with him.

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