I Didn't Know I Was Just A Crush For Him

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 20 September, 2017

I was in love with him, when all I was, was just a crush for him.

It started in 2009, when he came to our computer institute, where I was studying. He was representing his FM studio and had organized a simple survey. When he entered, I was sitting in front. Immediately, I was impressed with the way he spoke and how intelligent he was. After a while, some girls wanted to take a picture with him. I went along too. However, when it was my turn, I got extremely nervous and ended up with a blurry picture instead. As I was leaving the institute, I saw him, walking ahead of me, with his guitar.

That same evening, I got a text from an unknown number. You can imagine my surprise when I learned that it was him!

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He said he got my number from the survey sheet. While I did find this slightly strange, I went along and soon, our once in a while messages turned into 24x7 texting.

He opened up to me about his past relationships and honestly, I couldn’t see even a single flaw in him. Initially, we were good friends, talking almost regularly, but pretty soon, our endless conversations led to me falling for him. His unconditional love and care didn’t help my situation at all. In fact, it didn’t take us long to get addicted to each other. Or that’s what I thought.

He used to keep telling me about some of the girls he chatted with, while talking to me. For some reason, I never paid much attention to this and would often feel sorry for them, since he was obviously smitten by me.

How wrong could I have been?

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One day, he told me about his girlfriend. Like all the girls he had told me about earlier, I assumed that she was one of them. I was mistaken. He was smitten by her, not me. To him, I was just a very good friend, one that he could talk to openly about everything.

As this realization hit me, I sat down one day and began cutting my palm with a blade. I texted him and he begged me to stop.

He told me that he had a gun in his house and if I wouldn’t, he’d kill himself. I got an anxiety attack but after a while, began breathing normally again. Once I calmed down, he asked me if I loved him. I couldn’t tell him the truth then, so I said, “No.”

At this time, it was as if life was playing an evil game with me, I was sexually harassed by one of my relatives. I felt like my life was over, that this act was my fault. I couldn’t live even one more day like this, and decided to kill myself.

During this time, I stopped talking to everyone around me, my friends, my family, him. I decided to seek help from a spiritual platform and went away for 2 months.

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When I came back, I saw that he was trying to get in touch with me, I told him that I was sick and had been recovering at home. He didn’t believe me, but was glad that I was back and we started talking, just as we used to earlier. Only this time, our conversations started venturing into something more physical. He started talking about me, sexually, and even though I tried to tell him that it was making me uncomfortable, he wouldn’t stop.

Things got worse, when one day, when we were on a drive, he tried to kiss me. I couldn’t say anything then, but slowly stopped talking to him. For me, that drive was the end of our relationship.

A few days later, I found out that he had taken up this path of spirituality. I missed him and wanted to see if everything was alright. When I called though, his girlfriend answered- turns out, he hadn’t broken up with her and in fact, she told me to stop calling him. Immediately, I hung up and stopped trying to get in touch with him.

But it didn’t stop there. He tried to get in touch with me a few days later, he told me that he missed me and that he had to see him, even if it was just for the last time.

We went on a drive and that’s when he just hugged me. It was magical. Once more, I was deceived by this gesture, I thought it was love, but I was highly mistaken.

He’s still dating that girl, and my heart is still lying broken, in pieces. The only difference is, I’ve given up; given up trying to understand what we mean to each other. I talk to him when he wants to, but that’s it.