I Can't Leave My Husband Because He's My Son's Father But My First Love Is Back

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 3 September, 2017

I married the man of my choice, I married him by almost begging my family. Yes I had a love marriage, I was in love with him for the reason that unlike other guys who would shower their girls with gifts, he shared his time with me. He was intelligent and he loved me the same even 3 years after I rejected his proposal.

Yes I started loving him for the wrong reasons, but I loved him nonetheless. I have done as much as I could to maintain the love in our marriage.

He was too possessive and was an entirely different person when he was angry. I just believed I could change him. I believed a person so deeply in love could never hurt his wife. But I was wrong. Right after our engagement, his time became precious, he would be busy, he would never have the time to talk to my family. And I thought since that was his nature, I will adjust.

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After our marriage, he felt he had all the rights on me so he got abusive, both verbally and physically. He loved me no doubt, but he couldn't control his anger ever. And I could not recognize the person sitting in front of me sometimes. I was shocked. I just assumed that with time his anger will have some control. 

I left my job and started preparing for competitive exams on his pursuance. Yes I was a person with above average IQ as per my friends and husband. He also was preparing for the same exams. We got busy with our studies. There were still too many disagreements between us but we managed to sail through.

Most of the times when I asked him to spend time with me, asked him to get intimate, he would just ask me to focus on my exams. I thought may be he was just being cautious about my results.

But here comes the shock of my life, he was actually in a virtual relationship with a girl, with whom he would chat, talk, make videos and share everything every day to make her feel loved.
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They had all kinds of dirty chats with each other, with all the love too poured in their words. I was pregnant when I got to know all this. I could not believe that he gave my share of his time and love to someone else. When I confronted him he was again too lovey dovey, cried for the first time, regretted and all but he did not stop and when I confronted him again, he just asked me to leave rather than changing his ways, because he will do what I asked him not to do.

Our son was born. I was busy with him and then I get to know he actually went to meet the girl when I was at my parents' place. After my pleading he ended the relationship with that girl but I can not trust him now.

I am staying with him for the sake of our baby whom he loves a lot and is very loving and caring towards me also at times, when he is not busy with work. We have sex very rarely and god knows why I don't trust him anymore.

Now comes this person in the picture- my first love, my school friend. When I loved him he had loved me too but we never confessed. He was about to propose me when I stopped him just before we all were leaving for our colleges. I stopped him to wait for the right time but I don't know what he took it as and stopped talking to me. I would wait for his call but it would come once in a blue moon. I was going through a lot in my personal life as well and then came the shoulder of the person who turned into my husband in my life.

Back to present we- me and my first love have started talking, we have started chatting. He still cares for me and he still loves me and for me of course he is still my first love.

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I love my husband but I love my first love too. He is an awesome person with a golden heart. He understands me and tries his best to make me feel great. He is the one controlling our relationship from going on the romantic path and we are still best friends with a strong relationship, even though I get drawn with my feelings sometimes.

We have not met in person yet. He doesn't know that I have been betrayed by the person he thinks I am very happy with. He thinks I am unhappy just because my husband is not giving me time. I really feel for him and miss him a lot but I don't want him to know that I am unhappy for a bigger reason.

I know even if I will ever leave my husband we cannot get married and actually I cannot leave my husband because he is the father of my child, he loves us both. I also cannot live without talking to my first love. I am stuck in a dilemma.

I don't want to betray my husband and do the same thing that he did to me, I wish my first love gets married happily and forgets that he loved me. Then may be I will be able to forget him because I can never be a part of his life and I don't want to be the first one to say goodbye this time.