I am a simple guy. I have never experienced the joy of any meaningful or deep relationship so far. I have not yet felt the thrill of being in love with a person who loves and adores me with equal passion. I don’t really need a girlfriend to feel loved but yes, I have a deep yearning to forge a long-lasting relationship.
I had made up my mind about one thing. I was sure that when my parents asked me to get married to a girl I would shower her with all my affection. I knew I would make her feel loved. I would ensure that she was happy all the time. So one day my mom asked me to get in touch with a girl that she thought I would like. The girl’s mom had given the girl my number. So we got in touch by sending each other text messages first.
She turned out to be a completely different person altogether. I am a person who enjoyed being in the moment. But she was a person who planned for her future. I loved partying and boozing but she hated alcohol.
We had our fair share of differences but we moved on with our relationship anyway.
Soon our texts changed to calls. I got to know about her past, her family and her friends too. I knew about all the goals that she had for her future. And slowly without my own knowledge, I started falling for her.
I fell for her laughter, her stubbornness, her soft voice, her sentimental nature and everything else that I had not yet figured out about her.
I was new to the concept of ‘being in love' and I was enjoying every moment of it. Our calls meant everything to me. We had not yet met but her voice meant the world to me. We finally met in a typical arranged marriage setup. And I found her to be the most beautiful girl I had ever met. Every feature of hers was a thing of beauty for me.
I fell for her once again that day.
She too said "Yes" to our marriage and our families went ahead with the preparations. Everything was going on smoothly in our relationship. Then one day she met one of her ex-colleagues.
After meeting him she just became quiet all of a sudden.
Her calls grew less frequent every day. She now seemed distant and uninterested. I started feeling very uneasy with all this and one day I asked her why all this was happening. She told me that she had strong feelings for her colleague and was finding it difficult to forget him. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces that day. I asked her whether she felt happy about the fact that we were going to get married soon.
She said that she did feel happy about it but needed time to forget him completely.
After this most of our conversations were about that guy. She talked so admiringly about him. She told me about how good-hearted he was and how she had fallen madly in love with him. She then told me how he made her laugh and how she always planned trips with him. She then went on to say that he was rude to her most of the time but actually he cared for her deeply.
She did not even realize that she was slowly killing me by speaking about him like this.
The distance between us was widening slowly and after a while, we almost stopped talking about our future.
I felt so hurt and unwanted. I also felt helpless because I did not know what to do.
I took to drinking to numb the pain that I was feeling. I smoked a pack a day to feel good. I felt as if my life was a total mess. She did not want to meet me before the marriage but she was willing to spend a weekend with that guy.
I know she does not love me the way she loves him. But I am sure she will love me after she starts living with me. I trust her. I will always trust her. But deep in my heart, this pain continues to linger. I know that she is not marrying me out of fondness or love. I know she is marrying me out of societal pressure. And right now this is what I want to tell her.