I don’t know whether you are my buddy or my soulmate. All I know is that I love you. I love you from the core of my heart; I love you insanely.
I loved you when I looked at you for the first time and you blinked your eyes. I loved you when you wore your most beautiful smile; I’ve never seen someone with a smile like that in my life.
Every time I looked at you, I fell a little more in love with you.
I loved you when you heard me carefully and supported me without judging me for even a second. I loved you when you felt emotional for me. I loved you when we spent hours talking on the phone and chatting on WhatsApp. Now, things have changed and you have moved on in life.
Sadly, I know that I can never be yours, not in this life at least.
I would’ve given up anything to spend my life with you. It was a twist of fate that I met you at the worst possible time. Like all Bollywood love stories, I met you in college when you were already engaged to someone else and were getting married to him in a month.
At that time, I was unable to say or do anything. But I couldn’t stop myself from falling in love with you.
Though you have been married for almost four years now, I still love you. There was a little turbulence in our friendship and the most beautiful part of it was that you knew the truth behind my love.
You knew how I felt for you and loved you even after your marriage yet you never left me.
You decided to be there for me and support me like a friend and I thank you for this. The way you balance your job, work, siblings, family, husband and a frustrated friend like me is truly appreciable.
Whenever I get angry and shout at you complaining that you don’t have time for me, you calmly ask me, "Nikhil, what do you want? Please tell me." Then I remain silent because I actually want to tell you that I need you.
I want to tell you to be with me. I know it is not possible. But you still care for me and are there for me as a friend whenever I need you.
Obviously, I know you can't be with me because you are married and I'm glad that both of us respect the marital integrity and have chosen not to cheat in our relationships.
To love someone and to care for someone is the most beautiful thing in the world. But when it is one-sided, it is the worst thing that can happen to a person.
One-sided love is extremely painful. I had always heard how hard it is though I'd never thought that I would have to endure this pain someday. It is so difficult to love someone when you know that your love will never be reciprocated in the same manner.
Love means responsibilities, expectations, emotions and a lot of other complex things. I know it but am still unable to accept the fact that you can never be mine in this life.
However, I do feel happy every day because you are a part of my life in some way or the other.
Sometimes, things go out of my control. I miss you. I miss those moments when we spent time together. The days we traveled from college to random places during our exams, our walks on the road when you came to Delhi and the times when we laughed, shared and fought over small things. I miss it all.
I feel my life is complete when you are in it and I’m totally lost when you go away.
Every day, I try to start afresh. I want to live my life again. But I always go back to square one.
Neither can I get over you nor can I live with you.
Our story is similar to the movie 'Ae Dil Hai Mushkil'. Remember how we discussed the movie and your attitude which was exactly like the actress in the story? However, I’d never thought that in a few months, my life would become like that of the hero of the movie.
Sometimes, I question myself and wonder why I ever met you. Then I pacify my heart saying that something is better than nothing.
You always want me to be happy. You always ask me to live my life to the fullest even though you know that it is impossible to do so without you.
Maybe you don’t know how difficult it is to be happy when your lifeline is taken away from you.
Please don’t feel guilty. I still smile for you, I support you when you need me and I try not to crib about myself or the things I cannot change. I do this because I want to make you happy. I like doing little things for you just to see you smile.
I look for you in everyone else. I try to find our bond in the other bonds that I forge. I wish for the same friendship and understanding in my other relationships but I don’t get it anywhere.
Maybe, I am slipping into depression because I can always feel something raging within me. I also feel a kind of emptiness; a sadness and pain within me.
I am a rational guy. I am a strong guy. Yet I give up on this battle between my heart and my mind every day.
I know that the only silver lining I have is our friendship. Deep down I know you can never be mine but I still want to be your other half.
I’ve always wanted to be with you and that was not possible and now, I am scared of losing you. So, I’m learning to compromise and be content with the bond of ‘good friendship’ that we share.
I know there are days when you can’t text me or talk to me. I can’t even tell you how much I miss you. Those are the darkest days for me. I miss you so very much on holidays and weekends when you have to take care of your husband and family.
I don’t know if I can live like this and for how long?
Everyone says that I brought this on myself. Hence I must suffer or just move on.
I’m unable to make a decision. Some even say that I should see a psychologist because he might be able to help me. I have tried to convince my mind and I have failed repeatedly. So I’ve stopped trying.
All I know is that life with you is bliss and without you it is incomplete.
I hope that someday, you will understand my pain. But now, the goodness of my soul plays its part and I want you to lead a happy married life with your kids. I will always be there for you even if I’m not around you physically.
I wish you lots of happiness even as I slowly fade away from your life. I will wait to meet you in some parallel universe where we can be more than friends. If there is a thing like a ‘next birth’, I will never let you go.
We share a strange story of love and friendship where ‘love’ is our hero and ‘friendship’ is our heroine; it is beautiful and painful at the same time.
I know that I irritate you and I’m not even worthy of you. There are times when you seem bored and tired of me. I’m sorry for that. I really need you, however, you can ignore me and I will survive this pain.
I just want you to be happy and keep smiling always.