I read a very beautiful quotation by Lord Alfred Tennyson recently. It said, “I am a part of all that I have met.”
Sometimes we meet certain people in our life. They leave an everlasting imprint on our mind. We share a great relationship with them. Yet we cannot give such relationships a proper name.
I met him when Delhi was reeling under a spell of scorching heat. My best friend wanted me to become a part of the network that she was working with. The entire group met in a mall. He was friends with her. He hardly spoke but the other guy who came with him couldn’t stop talking. They were trying to woo me with all their prospective plans and wanted me to invest with them. I had zero interest in the whole thing.
I wanted the meeting to end so that I could go home and do something more meaningful with my time.
It finally ended and we said, “Goodbye.” He asked me for my number so that he could follow up on his plans. But I knew that he knew I would never call him to make an investment. Days passed. One day, my best friend came to my place. She said she was going on an outing with her college friends. She wanted me to come too. I was in a terrible relationship at that time. I wanted to distract myself. So I jumped at the chance of going out. I knew it would be more interesting than the mundane routine that I was currently following.
I went. He had come too. We chatted a little. I made fun of the work they were doing. He was amicable enough to take all my remarks in his stride without feeling offended by them. The whole thing slipped out of my mind when I became busy with my college again. I continued to have my regular arguments with my boyfriend. He lived 250km away from me but never missed a chance to make my life miserable even from that distance!
I got a call from this guy one day. He asked me if I would like to have coffee in a reputed coffee shop which was close to my place. I was a bit surprised but I agreed. I combed my hair, put on a regular Tee, wore a pair of jeans and went off. We spoke for an hour or so.
That’s when I realized that I was laughing after days. I was grateful to know that I was not really the dull girl that I was turning myself into. He dropped me and we promised to meet again.
I couldn’t lie to myself. When I returned home that day, I felt as if he had brought along a breath of fresh air in my life. After a long time, I felt as if I was breathing. I knew I was wrong to even feel like that.
But can anyone ever control anything when the heart feels so strongly about something?
We exchanged frequent text messages after that. One day, out of the blue, he asked me if I would like to go to a club. I was not a club person. But I was 18 and a newbie to alcohol and hukka. We chose a place close to my house. He looked dashing that day. I kept staring at him from the corner of my eyes. We were talking casually about the things that were happening in our lives. He was sitting next to me and I was having my hukka. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I pulled him closer and kissed him for almost 5 seconds.
He was dumbstruck but I was too high to bother about it. He did not respond but he too was taken aback by my gesture. We were silent after that.
He paid the bill and dropped me home. That was the turning point of our lives. After that, we met every single day. We were in love. But I could never tell him about it and neither did he tell me anything about his feelings. He did everything that a guy does for his girl.
We spent two years together but we did not exchange a single “I love you” between ourselves. Yet we were crazy about each other.
We went out for a drive every day and almost all the time, we ended up kissing each other passionately in the car. We made love too for the first time in the car! It had been raining heavily that day and we were drunk. We knew we had been waiting for this moment but we did not know that it would come like this.
It is the craziest thing that I have ever done in my life till date.
A lot of issues crept up between my boyfriend and me after that. I hardly talked to him. I did not look forward to meeting him either. I was happy and I wanted to be happy but I could never come up with the strength to confront him and tell him that I was in love with someone else. There were a number of reasons that held me back.
The guy I met and kissed every day never discussed our relationship. I was hurt because he never bothered to ask me about crucial things like the future of our relationship. I could never gather the courage to ask him about it either. I assumed that he wanted to carry on with it in this manner only – where we did not have the additional responsibilities of being in a regular relationship. That kind of feeling can be devastating.
I was madly in love with him but I couldn’t scream or call him my own in front of the world. I bottled up all this within me and just went with the flow. Nothing changed.
I still lived in a delusional world where I laughed with him all day but the minute I entered my house after meeting him, my mind was full of gloomy thoughts.
I knew very well that this had to stop one day. But I was not prepared for it in any way. One day, I met someone who was very close to him. He clearly made me realize the dire consequences of being in this kind of a relationship. When I returned home that day, I cried. But I never told him about it – ever.
The damage was done! The cracks had started appearing. I could see the horror-filled picture that was lurking in the background. I panicked. I couldn't bear the excruciating pain of not having him around me one day. I knew I was not bold enough to bear it. So I just shunned him. I changed my house and my number and vanished into thin air!
He looked out for me but he could not find me. I had promised myself that I would never see him again. The love that we shared had been very pure. It was a young kind of love and had a lot of peace in it despite all the odds that it was sailing against.
I have never found that kind of spark in my life again.
I knew I had shared something unique with him. I also knew that I could never feel that kind of thing again with anyone else.
I guess not everyone we meet can stir this kind of magic inside us. But my magic wand was gone now. I had to continue living my life without any whims and fancies now.
I got married after two years but he was always present in my memories. I never tried to contact him for 6 years. But when I did ping him on Instagram, I got a reply within minutes. I had no idea about how to begin a conversation with him.
But he knew how to make me comfortable even after years.
I had walked out my marriage because it had turned out to be a horrible one. And without any evil intentions in my heart, I started talking to him again. It helped me cope with my current predicament.
But all the different emotions and memories that I had - came flooding back. We met last year and picked up right from where we had left! I was laughing again. I felt like getting up. I felt like dressing up and wanted to love this man with all my heart once again.
I have come to terms with the fact that some people are like a circle in our lives. You are bound to meet them no matter how far you drift apart from each other. He was that circle in my life.
The uncertainty still prevails. It shows up in horrible ways. There is an abundance of insecurity and emotional turmoil in my life now too. There are trust issues and I know that I will never have the right of calling him mine in front of the world.
I won’t lie. I do break down. I do cry at nights. I do get thoughts of running away again. But he never lets me give up. He knows he is the brightest of my thoughts and the darkest of my secrets. We are still sticking on with each other as friends, companions, well-wishers or whatever other word suits our relationship the best.
All I know is that some relationships might not have a name. They may not culminate into something that is right or fit neatly into the ways of the world. But nobody can deprive such lovers of experiencing this kind of love. Our love has lived through several years now but it is still as fresh and as special for the two of us.
I can never take him out of my heart. He has filled it with so much love that it will keep me going strong for the rest of my life.
So yes! Such crazy, stupid love happened in my life. It has met with a fateful end once in the past. It will surely destroy my future. But I am happy…because I believe in the maxim, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”
There is a song from my favourite movie – P.S. I love you. I sing this to him sometimes when we call each other in the night: I just wanna tell you nothing you don’t want to hear. All I want is for you to say…Oh! Why don’t you just take me where I have never been before? I know you want to hear me catch my breath…I love you till the end…