I Am Her Soulmate And Though I Still Love Her, I Can Only Watch Her From A Distance

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 29 August, 2018

I don’t know how to start my story. I don’t even understand my own feelings anymore.

A lot of time has passed since all this happened yet it feels like everything happened just yesterday. I still remember the first time I saw her standing there. She was wearing a checked shirt. I loved her sparkling eyes. She was talking excitedly with her friends. No. She was deeply engrossed in the conversation that she was having with her friends.

The nagging feeling that I constantly felt deep down in my heart continued to bother me again.

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It was as if a small spark within me was waiting to be fanned by her love. No. I don’t think it was just a spark. It was a fire that promised to consume my heart – with her love.

When I saw her all I could think of was, “She looked incredible!” I don’t know how the whole thing happened. But the next thing I knew was that we were together. We chatted with each other several times for long periods of time, and then moved on to become “us”.

The whole thing happened slowly. I guess that odd feeling that I always had for her was called ‘love.’ I feel the same way for her even today. Is this how a person feels when he/she falls in love? I don’t know much about it. But what I do know is that it is a perfect feeling to experience.

She smiled at me and looked deep into my eyes. It was as if she could see my soul yearning for her love. We went on several trips and we could sense our bond strengthening with each trip that we took. There was a wonderful emotional and physical connection between us now.

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Maybe that is why today when I have to live without her physical presence, I can feel the pain searing through my heart.

We had shared our first hug on a pier. The wind had been cold and all I had with me was this girl. This girl had the ability to freeze my breath. And that day, all I had wanted to do was to wrap my arms around her.

Today, I realize that this very same girl had the ability to fill my heart with a strange heaviness by her mere absence.

She had worn my jacket that day. It had not mattered much to me. I was just looking for some warmth. I wanted her warmth. So just like that, on an impulse, I tried my luck. I hugged her first and then held on to her as if my life depended on it.

Words failed me at that time. I knew I was getting drawn to her. She had some kind of magnetic charm which always seemed to attract me towards her.
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I knew I wanted to hug her like this whenever I felt like it. She giggled at me. I just stared at her. I was completely swept away by her beauty. I was mesmerized by how amazingly tender this girl could be. Her laughter excited me.

I could feel my heart singing with joy. I knew that my brain could never understand what my heart was feeling at that time.

The dark days followed soon enough. Now her beautiful face had a frown. Her tone was sharp. I had annoyed her but I never had any intentions of hurting her. I swear by this. I could never ever hurt this girl even if I wanted to. I wanted her to be mine and mine alone. I did not bother too much about what other people thought of us. I knew we led completely different lives.

But I also knew that I wanted her. Just her. I wanted to feel the warmth of her love again. I could feel her compassionate vibes and at that moment, all I wanted to do was to wrap my arms around her and spend the rest of my life with her.

She then lay down next to me. I could feel her soft breath on my cheeks. My leg was wrapped around hers. Her tummy felt warm under my palm. Her cheeks were pink when I kissed her. She then turned to me. My eyes were shut. I was just lying there. I didn’t move. She threw her arms over my chest and hugged me. She asked me to open my eyes. Her brown eyes were looking right at me.

Yet again, I was overwhelmed by that strange feeling. I knew she had the ability to see right through my soul. I knew she could see through my past and accept all the mistakes that I had made at that time. I knew she would still have a whole lot of love for me despite knowing everything about me.
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She smiled again. It was a soft smile. She whispered softly, “Good Morning.” I knew I would never forget her warmth. I could feel the warmth in her cuddle. I could feel the warmth of her head on my chest. She had always loved listening to my heartbeat. And I knew that she knew that my heart felt as if it was brand new. 

The love that she had for me had repaired all the damage that my heart had experienced in the past. She also knew that she was the rightful owner of my heart now. Yet, I could never fathom this strange feeling that I always had for her.

She pulled me closer towards her. She stood on tiptoes and kissed me. I could feel the warmth of her lips. Her lips had the ability to light up my world. She then smiled at me. I was standing in the cold again. She put one of her arms around my waist and the other one around my neck. She whispered softly and said, “I love you.” I could feel her warmth again. She hugged me again and I loved losing myself in her embrace again. Yet again.

She then left me. I could see her only for two more months now. She tore away from my embrace now. Tears streamed down her cheeks. She brushed them away angrily.

My perfect world would never ever be perfect again.

We got back together again. Briefly. And this time around she was wearing a black T-shirt. She looked sensationally beautiful in that too. I could never ever find the right words to describe her beauty.

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I embraced her again. It felt the same. It felt right too. I know that this hug was better than even the first hug that we had shared on the pier. I didn’t want to let go of her.

Yet she pulled away from me. Her smile was back in place. I had missed that beautiful smile of hers. But the reality came crashing down on me. I realized that I was just reliving my memories. Why did I still get the feeling that all this had happened just yesterday?

She and I were no longer “us”. She was hurt and broken too. It was as if someone had seized the soul out of her heart. But I knew her. I could feel her pain. I knew what was troubling her and worrying her so much. Yet, I didn’t have the power to comfort her. I didn’t have the power to hug her or kiss her on her cheek anymore. I couldn’t even ask her to listen to the heart that still throbbed with love for her. She doesn’t get all this anymore. And I knew why all this was happening too. I was overwhelmed by my feelings. But I still couldn’t understand my feelings properly.

It pained me to see her hurting so much. I simply couldn’t let go of her. I wanted to take her hand and pull her into a hug. Yet I knew she needed someone else too right now. She needed that someone badly too. Because that someone had loved her from the day she was born.

I could see that. I could even understand that. But I could never forget her. I just couldn’t leave her too. She was all that I had ever wanted or needed. But dark days do come. And though she was my ultimate light, I have to learn to let go of her.

No other girl looked as appealing to me as she did. No other girl mesmerized me as much as she did. I knew one thing about myself for sure. She was the one for me. She would always be the only one for me. I would never ever be able to fancy another soul after this. I knew my soul had a deep connection with her soul now. She then asked me to move on and look for other options. I stood there sadly and silently.

How could I even explain to her that she had always been my only option?

I seek refuge in her pictures and in the memories now. I now derive happiness from her pictures. The memories flit past my heart and give me fleeting moments of comfort. My dreams fill me with a feeling of warmth.

I know that both of us can meet only in our dreams now.

I want her back. She knows this will never happen. Yet I long to feel her again. I long for her warmth, her love, her embrace, her touch, her kisses, her smile and the way she filled my life with joy. I would always feel so happy when she smiled when I told her something. She was no longer mine and breaking away from her has ripped my heart.

It is as if the void in my heart could only be filled with her love. Words simply cannot explain the pain that I still feel.

But I am her soul mate. So I have to understand her. I am her one and only soul mate. So I have to respect her wishes. So all I can do now is to shower my love on her in a way that suits her. I have to remember that now.

She is broken. But I can’t fix her. I want to. But I can’t. She cannot be repaired by my love. The world is a cruel place, isn’t it? Love can't really fix everything, can it?

So I just stand at a distance and watch her. I look at her from afar and let my tears drown all my emotions. I now know that no matter what happens, she can never be mine. Yet I want her – only her.

Editor's Note:

There can never be another one like ‘him’ or ‘her’. Let’s not fool ourselves into believing such things. But there can and always will be a completely ‘different’ ‘him’ or ‘her’ in all our lives. Love flows in and out of all our lives in various ways at different times in our lives. Love also means setting a person free. Let’s share this story and spread our love to others. Who knows? Some other soul may well be yearning for our love.