I started smiling again, I started living again even after dying a million deaths even after an irreparable heart-break. It took time hours, weeks, months and years, but it happened and all this while life paused within me. Smiles visited occasionally, but just stayed within the outer shell. Laughter came rarely, but just couldn't pass the translucent layers of loneliness. I gathered my own pieces every day, but found them scattered again the next day. The vicious circle went on and on.
My self-confidence and self-respect had been completely shattered. Whenever I looked into the mirror all I could see were my teary eyes. His violent acts, his heart-wrenching words, his betrayal haunted me every night. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't write, I couldn't talk much.
I thought alcohol was the easy solution, something that had I observed in Bollywood movies. So, I adopted it as a solution. Alcohol soon became an alternative to sleeping pills for me. A week later were my final semester exams, I still remember going for them without studying a word and in extreme state of hangover, which led to my score dropping from 70% to 50%. I had lost all hopes in life and just prayed for my own death. Tried ending my life many times, but the love of my mother grasped my hand every time I went weak.
My best friend was another pillar of strength, who through her jokes and wit helped me hold my broken pieces together. Alcohol soon showed its effects and my liver gave up its strength. My health issue was considered my carelessness with respect to my eating habits. But the real reason was something stronger, a heart-break.
But life again smiled at me when my best friends opened my eyes and taught me to love myself again, respect myself again. They helped me find beauty in the mirror, I wiped the tears permanently off my eyes and I genuinely started smiling.
Though there were times when I slept with tears in my eyes and woke up to a wet pillow. There were times when I laughed, but ended up crying for hours. There were times when I decided to live again, but ended up sitting in the washroom with a blade in my hand. It wasn't depression, it was like dying every single day, but I overcame it. I had to, for my mother, for my friends and most crucially, for myself. It happened, I got over it.
It was one morning, when this miracle happened, my pillow wasn't wet, my eyes weren't swollen and I found myself pretty again.
I could focus on my work, I could decide what to wear, how to match my clothes with my earrings and I could go shopping. I could gather the courage to call back my friends and apologies to them for ignoring them for a relationship that wasn't worth it. I rediscovered love myself.
In a nutshell, I learnt that I didn't need a person to be happy, I didn't need love to make me smile, I was enough for my own self.
I started focusing on more substantial things in life like friends, family and career. I eventually realized that I had missed so much in life. I started collecting the scattered moments and my broken pieces started to fall in place. I started meeting new people and I started listening, sharing, writing, singing, dancing, wandering and basically, I started being myself. I started transforming myself back into what I was but with a few major changes. I became stronger, mature, alert and much more sensible.
At present I am happy, I am happy that he betrayed me, I am happy that he broke my heart, I am happy that he is out of my life. But I'm sad that I'm so strong now, stronger to the extent that now I can't love again, stronger to the extent that I doubt my own judgement.
But I believe in myself and I know one day another miracle would lead me to another transformation. I will be strong enough to love again and may be, even strong enough to get my heartbroken again. I will be brave enough to love to lose and love again.