When a person falls in love, everything seems to be blurry except the person he/she has fallen in love with. Nothing in the world then seems to be as special as the feeling of love. What is love? Is it a feeling; a responsibility, a commitment or a choice? Well, love is love. Everyone has their own definitions of love.

So let me ask you a few question. Have you ever felt the emotion of ignorance? Have you ever had the feeling of breaking free and doing the most absurd things just to get attention from that one person? Have you got hurt so bad from that very same person who turned you into a whole new person? Okay, that is me. 

Love is when two people laugh together, cry together and spend all their time together. 

I too had my definition of love. I fell in love at the age of 16 to a guy a year older than me. We got into a relationship. We knew the fact that it would be a long distance relationship as he was leaving for the US to settle down with his family. On the other hand, I was in Bangladesh dreaming of marrying him in the near future. It still sounds so simple right? But destiny had something else in store for us.

The plan of living by each other forever got cancelled and my love became my ex-love. I was responsible for our breakup. To be precise, my insecurities were responsible for the breakup. 

I was an insecure girl from my teenage years. I always thought that I couldn’t dress like the beautiful girls, I was fat, I couldn’t wear makeup properly, and among a bunch of girls, I was always considered as the nerdy and the funny one rather than being considered the beautiful one. It may seem that my feelings were a bit superficial. Well, they were, not a bit but a lot. 

I grew my insecurities on the basis of being fat and not good looking. That was very stupid of me.

So, when we used to hit bumps in our relationship, I ended up feeling that I was not worthy for what I had. I felt that everything was my fault. I even started feeling that my partner ignored me. This particular feeling stood strong by me and broke me piece by piece. Instead of trying to fight with my insecurities, I let them grow inside me. I decided to break loose and hang out with all the guys around me and make them fall for me. My insecure and unstable mind assured me that it was the best idea to grow your self-esteem back (it was not!).

I got into some serious trouble because if I acted like a s***, I'd be treated like a slut one. I am sorry for the choice of my words. I lost all the purity and aristocracy of my character.

I lost everything; my self-respect, dignity, self-confidence, and self-esteem. Finally, I broke up with my boyfriend. 

I wanted to start afresh. I wanted to be the best version of myself keeping my past behind. But I didn’t know that I was still growing my insecurities within me. Insecurities about my look, my dressing style, my capabilities, my worth, my health; everything was still growing inside me on a larger scale. I used to suppress all these and go ahead but I never tried getting rid of these or maybe I couldn’t get rid of it at all. 

The constant need of being the centre of attraction was killing me on the inside. 

During this battle with myself, a prince came into my life. Yes, as cheesy as it sounds, a prince did come into my life! He literally dragged me out of the hellhole and showed me the bright sides of life. He became my friend, my guide, my best friend and ultimately, my boyfriend. He always acknowledged me that I converted him into a human being from a robot. Because, according to him, before me entering his life, he used to live a life of a robot.

Long story short, I was happy, he was happy; we both were happy; our friends and families were happy. We were planning our present and future with one another. I was living in a love bubble.

But it was also me who popped up that bubble and destroyed the best thing of my life. I cheated on him. 

He was becoming busy with his professional life and my inner self was poking me saying- "He has also started ignoring you, he is busy with his life, once you were at the top of his priority list but now, you barely make it to the list." This poking was adding fuel to my suppressed insecurities. They all again started to rise. And finally, one day my insecurities again made me get engulfed by another guy, murdering the best side of me and giving rise to the worst and the darkest side of me. 

My prince still wanted to stay with me because I was his queen. But I couldn’t stay with him. I had to leave him. I couldn’t be living with a prince being a s***. I just couldn’t. 7 months have passed since then; my prince is still with me, as a friend, as a guide, as a best friend. 

I am ashamed of my deeds of doing so wrong with my life. I can never be a good human being, no matter how hard I try. I have lost it. My insecurities have won. I have surrendered myself.

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