How It Feels To Confess Your Love Finally Even When You Know It's Going To Be A 'No'

Saieesh Koul Saieesh Koul in Life Is Tough on 7 July, 2017

It had been years since we last met. The little traces of communication that I could remember included some disinterested texts exchanged between us. Obviously most of the times it was me playing the role of the initiator, only to soothe the anxiety of my heartbeat which went wild when I thought of her.

I still remember the day we met for the first time. Her smile and child-like innocence didn’t just attract rather it intoxicated me, well assisted by the sedatives of her flawless beauty.

She seemed to be the missing piece of the puzzle that my life was. Breaking the barriers of rationality, I let the strings of attraction tighten around my heart. The heart seemed to have an upper hand over the mind.

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We talked and talked for hours on end. I knew that friendship is the prerequisite for long and healthy relations but sometimes it could turn out to be the sole reason for the breakdown of prospective relationships. My growing affection towards her egged me on to profess my love for her but the inability to read her stance sapped me out every time. Maybe the truth is that deep inside, I knew this proximity was a figment of my delusional mind and I was always aware of the impending fate. This love started to seem blasphemous and friendship a little too poisonous.

Drowned in confusion, buoyed by my coy and coward nature, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her how I really felt for her.

It had been ages since we last met. Yet sometimes, somewhere in the middle of the night, my heart finds its way back to those buried memories. This makes me feel guilty of a crime I never committed. Although I have moved on from something that never existed, to be honest, a part of me is stuck back there in the dimensions of time. All these years, my inability to relieve the burden of unanswered questions has victimized me brutally from within. I guess it was time I decided to settle things once and for all.

It took a lot of courage to pick up my phone and call her. I knew I was being foolish in deciding to do all this again. You can’t expect someone to come back after moving miles in life. She was with someone else and I was still stuck with past memories of her. But I had to do this for myself. Some things are often difficult to explain. Finally, the mobile established probably the last connection between us. A few pleasantries later I opened up.

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The element of surprise that I expected from her came up and this was when the two sided conversation turned unilateral. My heart gushed like a waterfall revealing every feeling it had for her even now.

As I relieved myself of the burden, I felt a lot lighter. I didn’t care what she would think of me after all this. Before I hung up, I heard the “no” I had expected. And that put an official end to this self-created schizophrenia.

I feel quite relaxed now. Sometimes we get attached to people who don’t feel the same for us, which is totally natural. I could have turned into a psychotic stalker but chose to be the passionate lover. I cannot ascertain whether I was right or wrong. Whatever the conclusion anyone would derive, at least a clear 'No' is better than years of hopeful waiting for a 'Yes'.