“One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.” – Lucius Annaeus Seneca
All your life you have been waiting for others to understand you. All your life you have wanted your loved ones to understand the reasons behind your actions. But still, you fail miserably even after you beg people to understand you and be with you.
I usually write because I am unable to make people understand me with spoken words, but today I am writing because I realize that I will never have anyone who will understand me. If it was supposed to happen, it wouldn’t have taken so much effort and pleading.
“Every thing I have ever let go of has claw marks on it” - David Foster Wallace
If you have best friends you can rely on or if you have found your soulmate with whom you share everything with then you might find it hard to relate to this story. I never had those friends who are always there for you. I never had those best friends I could rely on to understand me. No friends, not even lovers. I was never anyone’s priority in life.
This was mainly because I think and feel too much and it is humanly impossible for someone to be available every time I wanted to share my thoughts.
I was always told I should give less importance to my friends and more to my career. So I never let anyone come that close.
So like a hopeless romantic I decided to wait for that one person who would understand and be there with me. I kept hoping for that, without realizing all the pressure I would be putting them through. I didn’t even consider the possibility that he or she might not be ready for it.
“Why do people have to be this lonely? What’s the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?” - Haruki Murakami
It didn’t take me too long to realize that it won’t be possible. So it was time to give up. I have had everything in life. I wasn’t devoid of anything. And yet I was jealous of practically everyone I met. I always knew that I will never have what everyone else gets so easily in life. A friend and a shoulder to cry on. The only thing I have longed for will never be mine.
I am not an introvert or a sociopath. I am the exact opposite. Always surrounded by friends and acquaintances, have a decent love life but I still feel alone.
“Nobody likes being alone that much. I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment. ” - Haruki Murakami
It was not like people didn’t care about me or did not give me the confidence to open up to them. But sometimes you are so used to the darkness that you are scared of light. And by the time you gather enough courage to come out in the light, it turns to darkness again.
Then you realize that the problem is with you. The more desperately you try for people to stay in your life, the more restless they get to leave. The difference between me and almost all of you is that you don’t force people to make them your priority. It just happens over time because of patience and trust.
May be someday it will happen to me as well, maybe it will not. But for now, I won’t try so hard to make people stay in my life. It’s time to let them all go and drown myself in art and literature because when others don’t understand you, it becomes even more important for you to understand yourself.
“Solitude is fine but you need someone to tell that solitude is fine.” - Honoré de Balzac