You know what they say about true love… I’ve never been a person with too much belief in love. Falling in love, being in a relationship, giving all my time to a particular someone, making him my world; these things never went down too well with me. I wasn’t anti the concept of love but never for it either. Just a very neutral believer.
Reminiscing the days when I happened to meet him, I had thought he was a very chilled out personality. Instant friendship, sudden all day, all night phone conversations, regular hangout sessions, a few ups and downs. And there we were… IN LOVE!
Neither of us was consciously aware of it being love until we had been forced to stay away from each other by family and friends.
A lot of drama was always in store when it came to our relationship. At least that’s what people around us believed – that dramatic scenes and us walked hand in hand.
He was a total control freak and I didn’t mind that control, with a little resistance obviously! Ego was our favorite word and fights our forte but there was one thing that outweighed it all – love. Love that I hadn’t believed in, love he had stopped looking for, love that we thought wasn’t meant for us.
People had love as a part of their world, but we made love our world. Being with each other was all we wanted. However, there was always a ‘but’ or always some interference – a not so required extra interest in matters from a bigger 'but'.
As I mentioned earlier, love had a different meaning for me. In fact so different from others that when we ended up being in a long distance relationship with minimal source of communication, I found it tough but managed eventually. He couldn't always be here due to his work commitments but he was still there.
His physical absence didn't affect the love we had. On the contrary, it grew, always, more and more! We had made up our minds at the very beginning of our relationship that we were with each other for good. Marriage was always on the cards and hence the families were involved right at the beginning.
What does one really look ahead at when they feel they've found the right partner? In my case, it was the approval of my parents – not just mine, but his too. I did everything, from getting the families to meet to trying to explain to everyone why and how I felt he was the right choice in an attempt to get everyone to agree with my decision. He was at it too, a little more efficient and quicker than I was. He got his approvals quite early. I was trying and trying some more… perhaps I am still trying.
He says I've not tried enough, that I should have been more aggressive towards it all. That maybe I should have hit the nail constantly. Little does he know that I did more than I could have, more than I should have!
How much was too much or how little was too little? And how do I say, how do I make him believe that it's all I always wanted, it's all I still want?! Do all lovers who have broken apart turn into poets or is it just me? Have I loved too much? Oh yes! It's beyond my control now.
Societal and parental pressure parted us… they had us looking at other prospects. I think he is still waiting, I wish he is. I can't ask him to stay. I can't ask him to go. His love does not allow me to go ahead or move on.
It's not a want. It's more like a need – just like the sun needs to come up at dawn.
Staying away from him has been so tough, impossible actually. But staying strong and fighting odds is my only way out. Silence – my best friend – came back to me. Hopes and prayers are my only means! I hope he reads this and understands how I feel. It's okay even if he doesn't. Because his love has made me stronger than what I believed I could be.
Reading this, you may wonder why this feels incomplete. The truth is – it is how I feel without him, without love – incomplete. I'm in search. In search of wisdom, in search of the right words, in search of the right time, in search of the love that was found and lost.