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How Come You Felt “Suffocated” In Our Relationship Only After Your Struggles Were Over?

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I am the girl who loved you. I was beside you for the last 7 years. I believed you.

I believed in all your promises of "forever" "the sun" "the moon" and all the other crap that came along with it.

But the most important thing of all was that I trusted you. I thought you were ‘The One’ for me.

So I gave you my all.

There were times when you hit rock bottom. But I stood by you. I never once left your side. There were times when you couldn’t figure out what to do and what you wanted to be in the near future.

I saw all that you were going through.I supported you at such times. I was your strength.

I was there with you to see the intensity of your temper when you couldn’t accept your father’s sudden death. I was there with you when you failed despite studying very hard. I was there with you when you failed in several job interviews. I was there with you when you struggled to get the job that you are finally working at. I was with you through all this. I was your strength.

But I guess I wasn’t enough.

I am not a highly fashionable girl who wears pretty outfits or posts gorgeous selfies all over social media. I simply am not that kind of a girl. I am a simple plain girl who does well in her studies. I am quite adventurous in experimenting with new stuff to find out what I finally want to do in the future.

I know you are a very caring person too. I also know that you have good looks. You were always the perfect boyfriend who was waiting to marry me in a few years’ time.

I loved you because you had a beautiful soul. You were ‘home’ to me. Whenever you were happy, I was happy too. I felt complete when I was with you.

I felt fine when we ended up having sex one day. I felt comfortable in your arms. I loved the way you cuddled me and slept afterwards. I loved your cuddles and your warmth the most.

I felt safe with you. I knew that this is where I wanted to be all the time. You were my favourite place. You were my home.

After struggling so much with your education and job hunts, you finally managed to settle down all by yourself in a new place. I was so proud of you when you did this.

I would fight with you often because now you were so far away from me. I was still trying to figure out the right time to speak with you. I still wanted to spend time with you even though we were in a long distance relationship now. I believed that we needed time to adapt to a different communication pattern now. It was becoming difficult to keep in touch with you like before. You had been away from me for barely a few months. So I told myself that these fights didn’t really mean much.

I did not know that these fights would cost me my relationship with you.

I thought all these fights were happening because I missed you. I thought they were happening because you were missing me too. But one day, all hell broke loose. All that was not supposed to happen started happening.

A simple fight was blown out of proportion and I lost all that we had created in the last seven years. I had never imagined that we could say such nasty things to each other.

I knew that both of us would never have uttered words like these had we been together. I do regret saying all those things. I know you are regretting your words too. But finally, it all boiled down to one reason. You were finding it difficult to handle all these things on your own.

You didn’t want to burden yourself with our relationship anymore. Your commitment to me was suffocating you. And this was pressurizing you to behave like this.

Suddenly you have become a cold person. You are not bothered that I find it painful to hear all this. You simply want me to move on because you are not able to handle all this anymore. And it is at such times that I wonder how it is possible for a person to say that he loved me to the moon and back yesterday and say that he does not want anything to do with me the next day because our relationship is suffocating him.

You choose to find happiness in other things now. You want to mingle with the other people whom you just met a few days back. You prefer walking away from me after saying that you loved me for more than half a decade. I stood by you through your worst phases in life. I was so happy that you found happiness in all the new things that were happening in your life. I was so glad that you had finally settled down.

And now I wonder how you can be so oblivious to the pain that you are causing to the person you ‘loved’ for the past few years. You promised me so many things. I had so many dreams of living with you and creating a beautiful future together. It is time for me to focus on my future now.

But you chose to leave me when I needed you the most.

I cannot help remembering the great times that we shared together. I remember how your kisses would leave me with a pounding heart. I would always crave for more after you kissed me like that. But I did not know that you would dump me so easily and walk away.

How can you move on so easily? How is it so easy for you to not reach out to me? How can it be so easy for you to not hear from me at all? I was finding all this very difficult to bear. And when I told you all this - you said the worst possible thing to me. 

You said that all this was happening for the best.

Suddenly now that you have finally settled down you don’t want any commitment. Why did you come to me saying that you loved me if you were not ready for this kind of commitment? Why did you touch me when you knew that you couldn’t keep your commitment later on? Why did you promise me so much and say that you loved me when you did not want to commit to our relationship?

You quit the degree that you couldn’t handle it. Fine. You quit the job that you couldn’t handle. Fine. You sold the car that you could not manage. Fine too.

But you are quitting on a relationship because it is too much to handle. You are quitting on a relationship because it is suffocating you. And I happen to be a human being. A human being with feelings.

You made me believe in you. You touched me and said you loved me. Yet you left me. I didn't come easily to you. But it was easy for you to leave me. No, I am not angry. I feel hurt because all this is so easy for you. I am hurt because all the promises that you made to me meant nothing to you when they meant the world to me. You used me when you were at your worst but the minute your life cleared up for you-you had no use for me. Now you don't need me to be happy. You need the new bike. You need that new friend of yours. You need new things in your life. So it must be easy to dump the girl who belonged to your old times - the girl who stuck by your side for your happiness.

I'm so glad that you found your happiness. But I also know that you took all my happiness with you.

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