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He Never Said He Loved Me But He Still Kissed Me

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I scroll down my news feed on Facebook and see his photos with his handsome face and powerfully attractive persona. I look at them until I'm lost in the memories of the times we spent together; the look in his eyes, our hug and the kiss we shared.

He was one of the most handsome men I'd seen who looked good in everything he wore. To this day, two years later, I still miss him.

I wonder if it was love or something else that brought him close to me, then broke my heart and changed me as a person, and my perspective on attraction and love, forever.

I was an outgoing person, complimented by many for my looks, but this guy became my weakness. I let it happen to me because I was in love with him.

We met when we were in college. We travelled by the same bus every day. Each morning, he got on the bus after I did, and got off before me in the evening. I always deliberated if it was right to approach him and strike a conversation because, in my observation, he didn't talk much to people.

I wasn't sure if he was reserved and shy, or arrogant.

Sometimes, a friend accompanied him, and they would get off together. But he seemed to have very few friends and I never saw him anywhere on the campus. He would occasionally throw a glance at me but I would dismiss it as vague and casual. One time, I got up and offered him a seat, but he politely refused and thanked me.

I thought it was the right time to start the conversation I had always wanted to, but I felt awkward and retreated, as I didn't know how to address him (I didn't even know his name).

For the first time in my life, I was having qualms about striking a casual conversation with someone.

After that day, I couldn't stop thinking about him. Once, our hands brushed against each other and it set my heart racing for reasons I fail to understand. For a flirt like me, this 'accidental' brush of hands was nothing.

Strangely, he didn't apologize and I wondered if the 'brushing' was deliberate.

But I was happy. Then came the day, when he boarded the bus with his friend, and they occupied the vacant seats next to me. I'd decided that, no matter what, I would talk to him today. I guess I got lucky since his friend got off the bus alone that day. I was really nervous.

It was just the two of us. I felt that he sat there on purpose but I wasn’t sure. I said, "Hi!" and waved to him. He took off his earphones and smiled as he said, “Hi” and shook my hand, holding it for longer than expected. I was in a daze. A wave of nervousness and excitement rushed through my body. I had not expected him to reply!

After a whole year of silence and random glances at each other, the day I had been waiting for had arrived!

He lifted his bag lying on the seat between ours and gestured me to sit on it. I quickly moved to the seat and said thanks to him. He introduced himself and asked my name, but I was unable to answer. I just stared at him, completely mesmerized. There was a spark in his eyes and pure magic in his voice.

I wanted to kiss him right there, but I composed myself and didn't allow the enthusiasm to show on my face.

The next thing he said transported me to cloud nine. He said, "I've been attracted to you since the first time I saw you, but whenever I thought of talking to you, someone was always there with you or with me. I'm so happy we finally spoke.”

“Thanks for breaking the ice. It is so nice to meet you. You are one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. I regret not having spoken to you earlier because we won't be able to talk for long now." I asked him the reason for it and he said that he was leaving in two weeks, as his course was coming to an end.

To keep things normal without going overboard, I asked him if he was on Facebook. His response brought a smile on my face. He said, "Why Facebook? We can talk on WhatsApp if you're okay with it".

I wanted to stay in touch if he didn't mind staying in touch with me.

He asked for my number, and said, "I am not very active on Facebook. I hope you don't have any problem in sharing your number with me." I obviously didn't. I readily gave him my number and was extremely happy with our conversation. I couldn't believe it.

When it was time for him to get off the bus, he shook my hand again, and said, "Bye. I'll leave you a message on WhatsApp." I couldn't wait to chat with him. That night, we chatted for about four hours. He asked me if I had a boyfriend, and I said I didn't. He surprised me with his questions, which strangely made me feel shy.

When he asked me why I didn't a boyfriend, I told him that most of the boys I liked were serious about me but I did not want to commit.

This guy was not my lover but was surely more than a friend. Things started changing quickly. During those two weeks, we talked about everything under the sun. We shared the same interests in music and were huge supporters of the same political party. We also discovered that his uncle and my mom knew each other, and they worked in the same field.

There was something magical about this guy, something I didn't know or understand but loved and madly desired.

He touched me, cared for me and made me feel good but I never felt 'love'. I started doubting if he was committed to someone else and if that was the reason he never let himself get very close to me. When I asked him if he had a girlfriend, he said, "No. I don't. Why do you keep asking again and again?"

I didn't tell him the real reason for asking him. Instead, I told him that he was handsome, and in these modern times, it was not easy to find single men, especially the good-looking ones.

Soon, we started hanging out on the college campus. When we were not together, we would chat for long hours. I felt like I was living in a dream.

He flirted outrageously with me and took me by surprise when he said that he wanted to kiss me.

But I just laughed, as I didn't take it seriously. He complimented my looks often, and always sent me the kiss emoticon when we chatted. I reciprocated by sending him the same emoticon. He had many female friends, which was something I realized after I got close to him. But he honestly told me about all of them and even showed me their pictures.

I didn't mind because even I had more male friends than female friends.

One day, he dropped me home on a friend's two-wheeler. When I got down, he opened his arms wide for me to hug him. I understood and hugged him tightly. He held my hand stiffly and didn't let go. I wanted him to hold me in his arms forever.

Suddenly, he looked into my eyes, pulled me towards him and kissed me. We kissed on the road, in broad daylight! I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back.

But he still didn't say that he loved me.

I wanted to propose, but something made me hold my words back. Two weeks passed by and he left. I missed him terribly in college, and people started asking me where my 'boyfriend' was. I was tired of telling them that he was just my friend and not my boyfriend.

We were still chatting and regularly talking on the phone. One night, he messaged me saying that he wanted to tell me something important. He shocked me by confessing that he had a girlfriend and was committed to her. He sent me her picture and told me her name. I was shattered.

My doubt had become a reality. He apologized as though that would bring everything back to normal. I couldn’t stop my tears and said what I didn't want to say. "I've fallen in love with you. Why didn't you tell me all this earlier?"

I wanted to hear him say that he was committed, but I was also scared to hear it.

All this while, a voice inside my head had been telling me that he wasn't single, and was just flirting with me. But his charm bowled me over, and I ended up falling for him. But why had he hidden the truth from me? When I asked him, he said that had he revealed it to me earlier, I wouldn't have let him get so close to me.

Now he says that he loves me, and wants to propose to me, but cannot do it because of his girlfriend.

I am confused by his behaviour. A couple of days ago, he messaged me saying he wanted to meet me, but I didn't go. I didn't want to.

I love him but am scared of breaking my own heart again by meeting a guy who is someone else’s love.

I feel guilty for no fault of mine. He could've ignored me or openly said that he loved me but had a girlfriend. I wouldn't have been as hurt. What hurt me the most was that he lied to me in spite of me asking him if he loved someone else.

We weren't in a relationship, we never made any promises but I felt a strong connection between our hearts.

I don't think I'll be able to forget him or get over his memories. Now, I don't take any guy seriously. I feel wounded and used. I'm trying to get over him, but every time I try to forget him and move on, he messages me again. I'm still confused.

I haven't blocked him, but now we talk to each other like acquaintances. And it is he who starts the conversation every time.

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