I am 28 now and even today nothing about me seems to have changed. I am still the same emotional girl that I have always been but now I am depressed too. It feels like hell.
I have been through two significant incidents in my life. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend and then got into a relationship with my current boyfriend. I have always been a very romantic person.
When I love someone, I always love them with all my heart.
This is what was lacking in my ex. No matter what I did for him, it was never enough. I tried to be really good to him but he would always doubt me and feel I had some ulterior motive behind it.
He never valued my love. He never spent time with me. Yet I chose to stay with him because I thought I loved him a lot. Basically being with him meant all sorts of restrictions for me.
But he was free to do all that he wanted. I was not even allowed to accept a guy’s friend request on Facebook. But he was allowed to say “LOVE YOU” to whomever he wanted.
When I asked him why he always did this, he would say, "I know my limits but generally, other guys are not like that. So you should not even be friends with them. They will just use you." I was stupid enough to believe him. I did not realize that he had been using me all this while.
I also had a mindset that relationships are not supposed to be broken. So I decided to wait for him patiently. I thought we were still teenagers and things would definitely change once we became mature.
Unfortunately, that never happened. Instead, I started losing my mind.
I decided to join a bank after I finished my graduation. I spent some of my best days here when I was undergoing my training as a probationary officer. I started paying less attention to what he was doing and what he was not doing. I made some really great friends there.
Most important of all was the fact that I was happy.
But my happiness ended all too soon. I lost not only my friends but also my mind. We had finished our probationary officers' training and I stood near a guy friend when they took a photograph of our batch on our annual day. My boyfriend started physically and verbally abusing me when I showed him the photographs.
Suddenly I became a wh*re just because I stood beside a guy. He then called up my friend and abused him too. Despite all this drama, I gave up on all my girl and guy friends just to be with him.
In return for all this, I just got to stay with a boyfriend who was cheating on me. He was having an affair with a lady in his office. She too had a boyfriend who lived in another city.
When I confronted him with it this is the answer he gave me. “How does it matter? I am going to marry you only!”
That was it. I broke up with him and messaged the other lady. I said, "Thanks for making my life hell." I had ended a six and a half-year-old relationship with him. But that did not matter to him. What mattered more to him at that point in time was that she had stopped talking with him after getting my message. It became a big issue and ultimately I ended up bearing the brunt of that too.
Breaking up with him was painful. But suddenly I felt free. I was happy. I was single and I enjoyed every day of my life now. I felt as if I was living my real life only now. I lived without any restrictions.
But this phase did not last for a long time. I met a guy at a family function. I knew this guy since my childhood but had lost touch with him during my growing up years. He was older than me and was going in for a divorce. I came to know that he had been through a bad marriage and had been tortured a lot emotionally.
I was physically attracted to him and his story made me fall for him. We started chatting and shared the problems that we had faced in our lives so far. We planned to create a future for ourselves after he got his divorce.
We shared a long distance relationship but I managed to be with him every alternate month. We started having a live-in relationship. Everything seemed so good and clear to me now. I felt good and often thought that "Damn this man is so perfect and so caring. Maybe I am getting a reward for going through such a bad relationship.”
But I realized that ‘All that glitters is not gold.’ He too had his share of flaws.
Initially, when we had sex we were happy with the physical intimacy that we shared. But after a few days, there was nothing. I missed having sex with him terribly but I kept quiet because I was scared of being judged by him. But one fine day I decided to ask him if something was wrong.
That is when he told me that he masturbated 3-4 times in a day. He said he loved doing that. And that is why he didn’t feel like having it with me anymore.
I was a little disturbed when he told me this but I was still fine with what he said because I thought that we would resume having sex again soon. But that never happened. So one day I decided to check his phone. I was surprised to see that he had been asking other women to send him their nude pictures. I then checked his Facebook profile and saw that he had many nude and random girls who were his friends. All this really got on my nerves. When I confronted him he said, “I am not sleeping with anyone else. I am just asking for their nude pictures. That is not cheating.”
He then said that he had been doing this for the last 2 years because he and his wife did not share a physical relationship.
We fought over this and finally, he told me that he would get over this habit of his. Several days passed in this manner but he continued to do the same thing.
He would not even get aroused when he saw me and I knew I was not unattractive. When I started complaining, he would check out all the pictures on his profile to get an er*ct*on and then he would have sex with me. I didn’t even know why I was with this kind of a man.
I was not even sure of the fact that his wife would give him a divorce. And now I had to deal with this kind of an issue.
Yet I was unable to move out of this relationship.
But now I was having trust issues with him. I had my doubts about him now. I somehow felt his wife had separated from him because of this.
I am so confused now. But I continue to be the same stupid emotional girl even now. I just can’t leave him and go.
I now visit a psychologist every week so that I can come to my senses. I hope I get the strength to get out of this. I hope that at least things fall into place so that I can live peacefully for the rest of my life.