Her name is Parisha. I first met her in our physics coaching class 11 years ago. I still remember that day very clearly. We were studying in the 11^th standard at that time.

She looked so beautiful when she walked in through the door that I felt as if an angel had descended from the heavens. She looks just as beautiful even today.

I don’t know if it was love at first sight. What I do know is that the moment I saw her I felt connected to her. It was as if something was attracting me towards her and was forcing me to get to know more about her.

I knew I wanted to be with her and felt as if God had created her especially for me.

Back then, I was an introvert. I was very shy and so was very reluctant and hesitant to express my feelings to her. In fact, I was scared to even talk to her. Well, time passed. We all got promoted to the 12^th standard. Soon, it was time for our board exams. I knew I would be able to see her only for a few more days because our coaching classes were coming to an end.

I was upset and scared. Not because of my exams but because I knew I would not be able to see Parisha again.

I felt bad because she did not even know how strongly I felt about her. I really struggled to overcome my fears. But one fine day I decided to tell her how I felt about her.

On a beautiful February morning, I met her and said, "I love you." She did not give me an answer right away. She said she would talk to me about it in our next class. We had our next class in 4 days.

I was an atheist but during those four days I literally went to every temple and prayed every single day. I prayed to God and asked him to make her accept me and my love.

The day we were supposed to meet did come. After the class got over I asked her to give me her reply. She told me that she was already committed. My entire world came crashing down on me that day. I didn’t say a word after that. I just went home straight away and locked myself in my room. I cried that entire night.

That was the last time I saw her. I was upset, heartbroken and shattered. I felt as if I wasn’t a person anymore. I felt like a lifeless object. I walked around like a zombie. I tried to hide my feelings from my entire family. I put on a fake smile to hide my pain but deep down I prayed to God and asked him to kill me immediately. The pain was unbearable. My life seemed like a burden to me now.

I did my best to hide my feelings from my family but my mother somehow understood that something was wrong with me. She kept observing me for several days. One day she asked me if anything was wrong with me. I tried to avoid her questions but she refused to accept my answer. 

I gave in and fell into her arms with tears in my eyes.

I told her everything. She said that I was just infatuated with her. She said that I only felt like this because I saw her and met her almost every day. She then went on to say that I would forget her slowly now because she would no longer be in front of me every day.

I thought she was right and felt I would really forget her slowly. But I was dead wrong.

Days turned into months and months into years but my feelings for Parisha never faded. I met many other girls over the years. But I never felt what I felt for Parisha with any other girl. I never had any kind of relationship with anyone else either.

I don’t know why but I always felt like I would be cheating on Parisha if I looked at any other girl.

I tried to send her a friend request on Facebook but she turned it down. I sent her several messages on Facebook but she never replied to any of them. I know that I should not have done this but I loved her a lot and could not control myself from doing this. I moved to Bangalore from Delhi this year just so that I could be with her. I don’t know why I am sharing this here. I hope that she reads some day. Maybe she will then realize how I feel about her. I want her to know only this much when she reads my story.

Dear Parisha,

“I love you. I still do and always will. I know that I was doing the wrong thing by stalking your profile or sending you messages.

But I did not have any wrong intentions in my heart when I did this. I stalked your profile only because that was the only way for me to know that you were OK. Those messages were the only way in which I could tell you how I still felt about you.

I never meant any harm Parisha. Even in those messages, I only asked you if you would like to know more about me as a person. For the last 10 years, all I have ever tried to do is to become the person you would have been proud of one day. I did not send you even a single disrespectful message.

I had only requested you to give me one chance to show you the kind of person I was. In fact, you had a major role in crafting my personality. I don’t know if you are really in a relationship with someone. All I ask you and beg of you Parisha is to please give me just one chance. Please.

Just try to know me as a person and then make friends with me if you wish to. People often make fun of the boys who are friend zoned. I smile when I hear such things because I did not even get a chance to become your friend.

Am I that bad a person Parisha that you will not even consider the thought of making friends with me? Just give me one chance Parisha. I beg you.

And after that, if you still feel I am a bad person, I promise you that you will never hear my name again in your life.

Even today, I cry a lot. I ask God why I can’t be with you. I ask him if he is punishing me for some horrible crime that I had committed in my previous life. I cannot live without you Parisha. I don’t want your family money or your political connections. I have plenty of these in my family too.

I just want to be with you. I love you so much that I even told my parents that I would never marry anyone else in my life other than you. I just don’t want to live without you anymore Parisha. I will die if I have to live without you. Please talk to me Parisha. I want to spend my entire life with you.

I want to be there with you when you celebrate your success. I want to be there to make you laugh during your sad moments. I want to be there with you so that I can share all your happiness and sorrows too.  Please, Parisha – talk to me just once. I really love you Parisha. I will always love you.

Yours forever,

Animesh.

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